“Gossip Girl” mini-cap: more break-ups, make-ups and hook-ups, just in time for summer

This episode of Gossip Girl, "Much ‘I Do’ about Nothing," had the perfect title. The entire episode felt like much about nada! Zilch. Sometimes I wonder why this show is called Gossip Girl because home girl is stingy with the gossip, ya’ll. I seem to know more than she does and that’s not saying much.

The episode picks up the following morning from last week’s ending. Lily and Rufus, having kissed the night before wake up in bed together on the morning of her wedding to Bart. (Ah, nothing says love quite like screwing around the night before your wedding with some one you actually have feelings for versus, say like, screwing around with a paid stripper at the bachelorette party.) Lily went way beyond tradition here.

While in bed trying to decide if going through with the wedding is the right decision, Rufus gets a call with an offer for his band, Lincoln Hawk, to go on tour for the summer. Lily then gets a call from Bart with an offer to come and meet him for a bizarre heart-to-heart about letting go of past loves or something like that.

Lily ultimately is faced with a choice of love and reliving her youth as a rock band groupie or with like and hoping her soon to be fourth rich husband either dies or wrongs her badly enough to warrant getting to keep some of his cash in a divorce. Life’s choices are so complex: tour buses and lofts in Brooklyn or limos and penthouses in, well, in every beautiful city worldwide that’s worth having a penthouse in.

Much to Blair’s horror, she and Chuck also wake up all snuggly together but fully clothed, thankfully. Blair is Chuck’s kryptonite: he seems to have lost all of his predatory ways as of late. OK, fine — these two are very cute together in that bitchy loves company sort of way, but they certainly are not as cute as Blair and Serena would be if they were to ever explore that inner girl-loving-girl side of themselves. Wake up, ladies, your Sapphic lives await you! We’re here for you.

Anyway, Chuck and Blair stayed up late plotting how they could get rid of Georgina. Of course, two sinister minds are better than one so the pay back is going to be great! Right? Well, uh, no, not really.

Serena’s day starts off by going over to Dan’s and finding Georgina there after having spent the night. Serena actually rushes toward Georgina like she’s going to wring the horns out of Georgina’s head and wrestle her for her little red pitchfork but Dan stepped between them (darn it.)

All photos by Giovanni Rufino / The CW

After Georgina leaves, Serena finally tells Dan her, “I killed someone” secret. Surprisingly Dan isn’t relieved that Serena really isn’t a murderer — he’s more stuck on the fact that she mislead him and lied to him and didn’t trust his love for her or his open non-judgmental mind and all of the other me, me, me, junk that self-righteous guys named Dan Humphrey from Brooklyn are prone to say.

Oh, remember that sure fire great plan Chuck and Blair devised as Georgina’s payback? Well, it was so sinister and so wicked that Blair had to enlist innocent Dan for help. He gets Georgina to agree to meet him at their favorite spot by the pond in the park where Blair shows up with … Georgina’s parents.

That’s it? Georgina, the daughter of Satan, the third cousin twice removed of Hades, is scared of her parents? They plan to send her off to a boot camp reform school. Now, I was expecting a bang (like the gallows) not a whimper (like reform school), but reform school does leave the door ajar for the possible return of Georgina next season. Yippee! (Not.)

Now, on to the wedding. Yes, the wedding. What, you thought Lily was choosing tour buses, Brooklyn and love? What are you, a romantic? Hell, no — money, limos, penthouses make the world go ‘round. Well, if not around, then at least it makes the world comfy when it’s stationary.

The wedding was the social gathering of the year. Everybody who was anybody was there, including Rufus who wasn’t even invited. He popped in trying one last time to convince Lily that she’d like Brooklyn and that tour buses were just enormous limos with their own bathrooms on board. She smiled, patted him on the head and then walked down the aisle merrily.

The wedding was also the place where friends (Nate and Chuck) kissed and made up, (OK maybe not kissed) and where relationships (Serena and Dan) ended (OK, maybe not ended but went on hiatus) and where relationships (Chuck and Blair) bloomed (OK, maybe not bloomed but morphed). You know you’re at a good wedding when the guests have more memorable stories of the day than the bride and groom.

Fast forward one week after the wedding and we learn that Jenny has been accepted to a summer internship with Blair’s mother’s fashion design company; Dan and Vanessa are getting chummy and will be roommates since Rufus is on the road with his band; Serena will be vacationing in the Hamptons doing some self reflection and soul searching and Nate may visit her there and do some reflection and soul searching himself; Chuck has invited Blair to Italy on his father’s private plane for a romantic get away only to stand her up at the heliport when his father says that he’s proud that his little Peter Pan son is growing up and being more responsible. Blair was stood up? Uh oh.

Did any of these stories pique your interest for next season? So far I’m on board for season 2 — are you?

Well, farewell to Season 1, Gossip Girl. It’s been fun. Xoxo.