Previously on The Returned: my poor, damaged little snowflake Lena is a horrible judge of character, so she decided to bone Adam (who is a serial killer—just in case you forgot about that). Nikki and Julie got to second base. (OK, OK—that didn’t actually happen, but it did seem like they were reconnecting a bit.) Also, Victor came back to Julie’s place just in time to potentially stop her from jumping off the roof.
One Year Ago
Rowan is cleaning the house meticulously and restocking the fridge with fresh food, when she sees Simon’s reflection in the microwave. His broody face unnerves her, but she reacts as though this isn’t the first time she’s seen him. She drops Chloe off at the police station, thanking Tommy for watching her on such short notice, claiming her sister has the flu. Before she leaves, Rowan tells both Chloe and Tommy that she loves them very much. Tommy is suspicious.
To complete her suicide preparation, Rowan writes letters for both Tommy and Chloe. She’s changed into a black dress when she sees Simon again. He tells her that she is a total garbage person. She’s a bad mother and, according to GhostSimon, she’s going to ruin Chloe and Tommy’s lives.
Back at the station, Tommy calls Rowan’s sister to check in on things. No, the sister tells him, she is not sick and no, Rowan is not coming over. Tommy races home to find Rowan unconscious on her bed next to an empty pill bottle.
I guess Rowan is still really going through with this wedding to Tommy, huh? She talks about the seating chart in bed with him before transitioning to ask if there are any leads in Lucy’s stabbing. Tommy tells her they’re working on it and they kiss goodnight, but Tommy shuts it down before it can go any further.
Over at Julie’s apartment, Victor is taking a bubble bath/splashing Julie. This is the first time I can ever remember seeing him act like a kid and not a creepy demonic entity—plus he is getting Sandrine Holt’s T-shirt wet—so I kind of like him in this moment. They are interrupted by a knock at the door. It’s Nikki. She was worried, and Julie tries to play it off like no big deal, but Nikki is like, “Fuck it,” and then:
Before things can get too heated, Julie pulls away to tell Nikki that Victor is back to stay. In her head, Nikki quickly does the math: (hot Julie + making out + potential sex) > (creepy Victor x time spent around the apartment). She deems this an acceptable tradeoff, so they kiss some more. Julie whispers that she missed Nikki. (I didn’t say “awww” out loud, YOU DID.)
Meanwhile, Mother of the Year Claire sneaks out of Peter’s bed in the middle of the night to walk-of-shame it on home. Oh look Claire, there’s the teenage daughter you left alone! Camille’s like, “So, while you were banging that guy who isn’t Dad, I tried to give Ben the best blow j ever. He realized that I was dead, though, and, like, wouldn’t even let me do any over the clothes stuff! GOD, MY LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!” Claire tells her it’s going to be okay. Uh, there’s kind of a lot about this situation that’s not OK, Claire, but sure.
Like mother, like daughter: Lena is also getting out of bed post-bad-idea-sex, but she’s looking for her guy instead of leaving him. She finds Adam’s murder souvenir room, and hears a car approaching. It’s Tony. Lena is like, “Boy, am I glad to see you! I found Lucy’s necklace! Does your brother happen to be a serial killer?” Tony gets all crazy-eyed:
Lena’s like, “Oh shit, I’ve made a huge mistake.” She cries that she won’t tell anyone, but Tony grabs her and drags her back inside the murder cabin. Oh sweet, sweet Lena—if you make it out of here alive, you really need to reevaluate your life and your choices.
After his semi-brush with statutory ghost zombie rape, Ben really wants some fucking answers. He brings some friends to the cemetery to dig up Camille’s grave, but when they open the casket they find it full of dark water. Ben, showing more common sense than most of Rosewood combined, snaps a few pictures of the grave before the fuzz show up to bust them.
At the station, Tommy attempts to play the role of both good cop and bad cop, because it’s pretty late at night and no one else is around.
“Hey guys! Why don’t you just tell me what’s up?”
“Did you know what you did was a felony and you could get the death penalty???”
“But, seriously, were you guys just joshing? Tell me what happened and this all goes away.”
“Okay, I’m going to count to three and then you’re all going to fucking prison!”
Tommy gets all the way to two and three quarters before Ben breaks and tells him that Camille’s body wasn’t in coffin. Ben thinks that Camille is back from the dead. Tommy does not like the sound of that news, because he’s already had to deal with one returned person and that one was banging his fiancée.
The next day, said banger of Tommy’s fiancée shows up at Chloe’s camp. Simon tells her that he’s coming to pick up her and her mom that night, but she can’t tell anyone else because it’s a secret. Simon skedaddles away right quick when a camp employee approaches, because he is definitely giving off a Stranger Danger vibe.
Officer Tommy comes a-knockin’ on Claire’s door looking for her “niece, Alice.” (You can actually hear the quotation marks as he talks.) Along with winning Mother of the Year, Claire must be in the running for Best Liar Ever. She’s like, “Uh, yes, my niece, uh, Alice is out. With her friends—I mean with Lena’s friends. She is my niece.” Tommy can obviously tell she is lying because he is not a complete idiot, but he goes, “Whatevs. Just bring her to the stations ASAP with her ID so I can ask her some Qs.”
Back at the park, Victor is creeping on Julie and Nikki from the playground. Chloe bounds up and asks Victor if those are his two moms, because she knows a girl with two moms, so she’s totally hip to it. Chloe, you cute little thing, I could just pinch your cheeks. Victor says no, his mom is dead. Chloe’s like, “Oh, that’s all you got? I’m hip to that, too—my dad was dead, but now he’s back.” Victor tells her that he’s dead too, and adorable Chloe wants to know if he’s an angel. He shakes his head no.
Meanwhile, Claire and Peter have decided that since Tommy knows about Camille, the only logical solution is to just start telling everyone what happened. Jack disagrees, but that’s just too darn bad. There’s only room for two pseudo-parents in this house, Jack, and you lost your rights when you gave away Camille’s college money in exchange for sex/”psychic convos” with Lucy. Peter sets the scene with some life/death musings for the support group, and then Camille comes out right on cue.
One of the other parents is pissed off that Camille came back instead of her daughter, because her kid was nice and Camille was a total bitch. Camille storms off, but, you know what? The truth hurts, kid. Peter follows her and finally gives this little shit some real talk. She’s flailing about on her bed, like, “No one understands! They all hurt my feelings and my life is so hard!” Peter tells her to stop being so fucking selfish, because at least she has a life again and she should try to help them. CAMILLE IS JUST THE WORST.