“The L Word” Recaps: Episode 6.05 “Litmus Test”

A not-at-all-boring dinner — Bette and Tina are having dinner with Kelly and some artist guy. Kelly is loud and obnoxious, though she obviously thinks she’s lively and charming.

Also, her eyes are scaring me. Hey, it’s been a while since we had a Sunset Boulevard reference. Look, everybody: Norma Desmond has finally shown up!

The artist dude, whoever he is, asks how Bette and Kelly met. Kelly bleats that Bette was in love with her. But she acknowledges that nothing happened between them.

Kelly: No, I missed my big opportunity. But now she’s taken by the lovely Tina Kennard. You never know.
Bette: Tina and I have been together happily for a long, long time.
Artist dude: Keyword “happily.”
Bette: Happily.
Tina: Keyword.

Over the years, I’ve had to have a steel plate put in my head because of all the anvils falling on it, but there’s no armor for this freaking avalanche of anvils. Not even Max’s sculpted pecs can protect me. Hey, where has the lost Gibb gone, anyway?

The artist excuses himself to take a call. Bette takes the opportunity to tell Kelly to “take it down a notch,” but Kelly can’t even take her Botoxed eyebrows down, let alone her outsize personality. The guy comes back almost immediately and asks Bette to take the call — it’s about the big art show tomorrow. Bette leaves the table to do her sexy boss-lady thing.

Kelly expresses her faith that Bette will take care of everything: “She’s very brilliant.”

Artist dude: And very beautiful.
Kelly: Always has been. To me, she’s the one that got away.

Yep. Keyword “away.” Yet right in front of you, which is also where Tina is, which is so not cool.

Kelly: Tina, does it bother you that I flirt shamelessly with your girlfriend?
Tina: No, no. Flirt away. I mean, Bette knows that if she were to ever cheat on me, then that would be the end of us. So, if it makes you feel scandalous and sexy to tease her with her co-oed crush, have at it.
Kelly: Thanks. I will.

Nicely done, Tina. If you were maybe thinking about stabbing Kelly with your fork, just to make everything crystal clear, that would be OK with me. But Tina already has other, even more upsetting things on her mind.

Tina: William and Aaron just walked in with Martine Lucas and Susan Kalogridis. They’re two screenwriters that I’ve been working on a project with for three years.
Bette: So, what’s wrong with that?
Tina: I wasn’t invited. That, in Hollywood, is how you know that you’ve been fired.

What’s even worse than a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day? That’s where Tina lives lately.

The command center — It’s time for Dylan’s test. How will our intrepid gumshoes monitor the whole thing? On the monitors, of course: the many screens in the control room at Hit.

Helena: It’s Dawn Denbo’s security system. She’s got cameras in every corner of the club.

And microphones, too, and all sorts of whiz-bangy gadgets like walkie-talkies and laser cats. Oops, not that last thing.