“Pretty Little Liars” recap (7.3): Welcome to the Amish Dollhouse

You guys, this episode was like a greatest hits reel of all my favorite PLL tropes: black hoodies, masks, dolls, vehicular manslaughter. Truly a cornucopia of batshittery. We open with Hanna looking at a fake engagement ring. Aria sees burns on her back and demands to know what happened in A.D.’s shed, but Hanna doesn’t want to talk about it Aria, gosh!

unspecifiedHanna, we’ll support you, even if electroplay is your new kink!

Emily tells the Liars that she saw Rollins and Mary Drake arguing, and it seemed like they were in cahoots. Real deep cahooting. Emily thinks that Rollins is maybe a psychotic piece of shit who is holding Ali hostage at Wellby, and she asks Spencer to ask Toby to do some police work. Aria feels really bad about the whole thing, considered she married them. Huh, who would have thought that Aria has suspect taste in men?

unspecifiedI got a job at Radley, so I can kiss selling weed out of my mom’s Volvo goodbye!

We then cut to Wellby, where Rollins checks on Ali, to find her missing. She then launches herself onto his back and tries to strangle him with her own IV cord. Now there’s the Alison DiLaurentis we know and love! They struggle, but Rollins injects her with sedatives before she can escape. As the drugs set in, he buckles a Hannibal Lecter-style face mask onto her.

unspecified-1I am SO gonna eat his liver with fava beans and a nice chianti