RachelWatch: Congress Asked, Don’t Tell Him To Wait

Today: Rachel talks with Lt. Colonel Victor Fehrenback and Governor Sanford doesn’t talk to anybody.

Decision 1388

Rachel led off with footage from Iran’s state-run television network of people recanting their support for the opposition, claiming that they were pushed into it by Western influence.

So maybe Obama was right when he decided not to jump in the middle of things lest the ruling powers claim the protests were because of Western influence? Anyone feel like admitting that at this point? Hello? Mr. McCain? Huh. I guess he didn’t hear me.

But the propaganda machine was only barely getting rolling with that. The terrific Richard Engel joined Rachel to inform and worry you.

Same Old Tough New Stance

Rachel noted that the President’s “escalating position” on Iran is actually as flat as a regulation football field. Which is maybe why everyone keeps worrying about the U.S. being used as a political football so much.

Madeleine Albright, Secretary of State under President Clinton, checked in to give props to both Rachel and Obama, talk about the occasional need to deal with awful people to keep them from blowing things up, and add her own amazement at what’s going on over there to everyone else’s.

You Want Political Football? I’ll Show You Political Football.

Six players on the Iranian soccer team bravely wore green wristbands during their World Cup qualifying match, and as of airtime four of them had been removed from the team and “retired for life.”

Assuming they can make it out, I’m pretty sure you get automatic points in heaven for hiring a retired opposition Iranian footballer. Skills include working well in a team, thinking on one’s feet, and getting heavy quarterly reports up on high shelves by bonking them off their heads.

Plus you’ll finally kick Accounting’s ass at the company picnic. Wouldn’t it be nice to shut them up for once?

Ms. Information

Rachel brought us up to date on the Washington, D.C. Metro crash, which caused more than 70 injuries and 9 deaths. Early word is that the car that crashed was an older model, the signal system had failed before, and the faulty train was overdue for maintenance on its brakes.

Is there any way to pass a law that requires elected officials to take public transportation to work at least 75% of the time? I have a feeling those maintenance schedules might tighten up.

Rachel also noted that Senator John Ensign (R – Nevada) returned to the Senate and received a round of applause at the weekly Republican luncheon. No word yet on whether the applause was meant to convey general congratulations on gettin’ some or “Thank you for not involving underage hookers or a clown fetish.”

Where in the World is Governor Sanford?

Rachel let us know that Governor Mark Sanford (R – South Carolina) is still on walkabout. Maybe. My God, I love this story. I hope Sanford is OK because he is a fellow human being, but also because I am horrible and I want the nation to be able to keep making fun of this.

As of Tuesday, the Governor was “located” hiking the Appalachian Trail. But his wife hadn’t heard from him. And the Governor’s borrowed State SUV (Way to save State gas dollars, sir!) had been found in a parking lot that was not so much adjacent to the Appalachian Trail as it was to an airport.

Sanford could be anywhere in the world! The game is afoot! I really hope he’s wearing a red-and-white striped shirt. Or like twelve layers of latex masks that he keeps ripping off.

Lieutenant Governor André Bauer, who moved me to compassion with the sheer size of the bag he’s been left holding, dropped in to talk with Rachel about how Sanford certainly didn’t go all batpuckey on us, but there are concerns about being able to reach the Governor in the event of an emergency.

Because only the Governor is authorized to kill South Carolina’s rare but deadly giant ambulatory Venus flytraps, and only the Governor wears the silent whistle that calls the woodland voles to his aid, and only the Governor knows the secret code that makes the aliens bring us eternal youth instead of blowing us up.

(Psst! Mr. Bauer! In a pinch, try “Klaatu barada nikto.” But say it like you mean it or they’ll sideline you by making you talk to Tahnee Welch.)

After the news of the airport discovery, I must withdraw my earlier theory. No one risks being overcome with ancient madness and yodeling while stacked up on a runway.

And spying is out, because the idea is to be inconspicuous, right? Well, competent spying is out, anyway.

On the other hand, in addition to his hobbies writing, hiking, and fake hiking, Governor Sanford has achieved worldwide renown as an expert symbologist.

Oh, no. All this time everyone has been making childish sport of him, Mark Sanford has been swept up in a web of intrigue, trying to save us from a fiendish plot by Freemasons or Methodists or someone.

Godspeed, Governor Sanford. Let’s just hope he can unravel the clues in time!

“Fierce Advocate”

President Obama continues impress the LGBT community like rolled-up socks in your Christmas stocking. Well, it’s, um, something.

Congress is finally getting up a tiny head of steam, and 77 members sent the President a letter asking him to suspend the implementation of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell until they can repeal it.

Rachel brought back Lieutenant Colonel Victor Fehrenbach, who is still fired for being heroic while gay.

They discussed the catastrophic worldwide military breakdown his gayness would cause if he continued to serve. Now that his orientation is known, just standing Fehrenbach too close to a plane makes the little oil light go on.

Have You Seen Kent?

Some disappearances are hilarious, but others are deeply worrying. I am referring, of course, to the mysterious vanishing of Kent Jones. The clip is the sort of silliness thing the TRMS folks usually only do on Fridays. I’m glad they had fun.