“Gossip Girl” mini-cap: Good girls go bad

It’s always tricky when television high school kids go to television university, because it completely mangles the group dynamic. So, with all the failures of Dawson’s Creek, One Tree Hill, The O.C. and — gulp! — Saved By the Bell in mind, I approached this week’s Gossip Girl with a little trepidation. Josh Schwartz was sending our babies off to college!

Actually, that’s a lie. I drove 50 miles round trip with both my dogs in tow to watch last night’s episode, because the flash flooding in my part of the world knocked out my cable. And, friends, it was worth the trip just to see the look on Blair Waldorf’s face when Dan Humphrey took off her headband of power and tossed it down the stairwell.

Like this:

Darota helps Blair prepare for her first day of college, and while Dan is in Brooklyn shoving marbled Mead composition books into his messenger bag and grabbing an Eggo on the go, Blair is pulling regal school supplies — including a just-for-college headband — from a velvet-lined box. She and Humphrey arrive at NYU at the same time and agree to pretend not to know one another.

In the dorm’s common area, Blair hands out advice about how to pass for a New Yorker while Darota hands out gift bags and mumbles, "I think you don’t need week to run school; you do it in one day."

Blair thinks so too until Georgina(!) shows up all smiles and hugs and sabotage, talking about how she and Jesus have "redefined their relationship." First, Georgina ruins Blair’s sushi mixer, then she makes Vanessa popular and then she throws a rooftop kegger that Blair can’t even get into unless she goes as Dan’s date. It’s on the way to said kegger where Dan turns to Blair, reaches his grubby Humphrey hands up to her head, removes her headband and chucks it on the ground, all, "No headbands in college, OK?"

And I just have so many feelings!

Parents spend months planning to take things like a pacifier or a bottle away from a toddler. Like, maybe you start by only allowing the kid to have it when she sleeps, and then only when she sleeps at night, and then only when she asks for it, and then — maybe six months later — the pacifier is gone for good. But poor Blair wasn’t even weened off of her headband! It was snatched from her head! By Dan Humphrey! Blah, blah, blah, symbolism of Dan usurping Blair’s authority and stealing her crown, but c’mon ! If Blair hadn’t been at the apex of desperation, Dan would pulled back a nub when he reached for that thing. Try writing about Charlie Trout with one arm, jackhole! ("Dan’s a writer?")

Anyway, everyone at the kegger snubs Blair, so she takes immediate recourse and calls the people from Jesus Camp to come collect Georgina, and then announces that the rooftoprager is a sneak-attack Christian Conversion Party. There are tambourines and "OMJC" T-shirts and it is amazing.

Elsewhere on the UES, Serena has decided not to go to Brown, which leaves her wandering the streets like a Humphrey, looking for a place to lay her gorgeous head. First, she shows up at Chuck’s apartment and for a few moments I think that she’s actually going to move in with him long-term, and I sit up a little straighter because how awesome would that be? Awesomer than Vanessa/Hilary Duff, awesomer than Dan/his half-brother, awesomer even than Blair/Georgina! But it is not to be, because she ruins his business meeting by revealing his plans to open a speak-easy, so Chuck kicks her out. Next, she moves in with Dan and I’m not sure what kind of conversation they have because the National Weather Service keeps interrupting to tell me about the flooding.

Serena and Blair share a moment together on the steps of the Met and Blair says the worst part about NYU is that as "soon as you cross 14th Street, people forget there’s a class system." They hover close and eye-shag and say how much they need each other. Then, they run off to their big gay boyfriends.

Vanessa — who gets an excellent amount of screentime in this episode, which I hope will lead to more and more screentime because she’s in school with the gang now — calls up Dan and asks him if he wants to meet up to "download" about last night’s "epicness." He says he’s still pretty thrashed from the party and it’s too early to be stalked by his bastard half-brother, so maybe he can take a rain check.

Blair cuddles up to Chuck on his sofa bed(?) and asks if he’s OK. He says he is now that she’s there. Serena cuddles up to Carter Bazien on a street corner and tells him she really wants to be with him. Nate cuddles up to his Montague and has sex without even getting paid. Dan cuddles up to Georgina(!) on the roof and kisses her while looking completely bewildered.

And I think I’d better just echo Gossip Girl here: Rah rah sis boom bah, Georgina’s pulled a coup d’état. Welcome to college, kids!

I wrote this whole recap by hand on notebook paper by the light of a candle. Maybe next week, the floods will be over and my electricity will be restored and Blair and Serena will finally get some screentime together. Until then, you know I love you. XOXO!