“Gossip Girl” mini-cap: It’s the gay subtext, Charles Bass

OK, show of hands: How many of you shouted at the TV last night when Blair said, “Now either make me kiss a girl already or move on!”?

I did. I shouted. I said, “Do it then, Waldorf! Serena is standing right beside you!”

Alas, it did not happen. It was a weird night all-around for the gays. Serena and Blair broke up; Eric got yogurt-ed; Jonathan got egged; Dan the Lez tried to determine the difference between “freaking out” and “processing.” And don’t even get me started on Serena’s boobs. There’s not enough room in all the recaps in all the world. Those things are out of control.

Gossip Girl’s got something to tell you about Halloween:

All Hallow’s Eve: The only day of the year it’s socially acceptable to play dress up. The only question is: Who do you want to be? There are costumes to make men feel like boys again, or turn little girls into queens.

Lily tries to help Jenny get ready for school by suggesting she throw away all her Brooklyn clothes (the ones ol’ Agnes didn’t torch in that trash can fire), and replace them with her shiny new UES clothes. Jenny insists the old clothes fit just fine, and anyway she’s got to go meet the Mean Girls at the Met.

Eric (hi, Eric!) accompanies her, and through the power of The Great Pumpkin, Jonathan (hi, Jonathan!) is there to greet them. Jenny rails at the Mean Girls to peel her almonds, and then turns her cold eyes on Eric and Jonathan, telling them they’ll have to move down a couple of steps because they are sitting on her throne. (Better than standing on her neck, which they’ll want to do by the end of the episode.) Eric insists she’s just wearing her bitch mask for school while Jonathan figures her bitch mask is her actual face.

Turns out Jonathan is right. When he ascends the stairs to sit higher than Jenny, the Mean Girls dump their yogurt on Eric’s head. (Welcome to Glee Club, vander Woodsen!)

Lily makes Jenny promise that she and her “so-called friends” will apologize to Eric, and if she can do that, and Eric will still have her, she can go to Chuck’s Roaring ’20s club opening. Eric will, of course, still have her because Jenny is his only hope for a storyline.

Serena is still inexplicably working for the PR firm that represents Olivia (and her co-star Patrick Robertson and, apparently, James Franco). The PR director wants Serena to break up Olivia and Dan because Robert Pattinson , er, I mean, Patrick Robertson needs the publicity of going out with Olivia. Serena refuses and gets stuck delivering James Franco’s underwear.

Over in Brooklyn, Nate catches Dan up to speed on all the Endless Nights gossip he read about on the blogs, and they settle in to watch the DVD together. (Which is more unrealistic: that Dan still hasn’t watched Endless Nights or that Nate can read?) Dan wonders if the acting is as good in the whole movie as it is in the sex scene: “Just look at the way she’s looking at him. That’s love. That’s definitely love. And lust. And gratitude.”

Nate says, “Dude, it’s an orgasm.”

Oh, right. Dan’s never watched a girl have one of those. (ZING!)

Nate tells him not to freak out about the movie sex, and Dan goes, “I’m not freaking out. I’m just processing!”

He fakes the flu when Olivia calls, but when she stops by to check on him, she sees that he’s been watching The Sex. Instead of getting creeped out, she explains that what he saw was back-lit and highly-edited. Once his ego has been sufficiently stroked, he agrees to go with her to Chuck’s party.

So. Chuck’s Party: Upper East Side meets East Egg.

Worried that his hotel isn’t going to survive the holiday season, Chuck hires Serena to publicize his club’s grand opening. He tells her he doesn’t want Blair involved because he’s still angry about last week. Serena says she’ll keep it quiet, but obviously she’s got Blair right beside her, listening in on speakerphone, because that’s what you do when your girlfriend needs information.

Serena tries to get Chuck a liquor license by faxing something somewhere, and Blair just leaps over all of it and goes right to Jack Bass. When Chuck and Serena find out, they pout and scowl, and Serena says some things with her mouth half-closed, in that way she has. They were trying to do stuff by the book this time, and not take advantage of the system because they’re rich and hot (+ boobs)! Blair goes home in a huff and forces Darota to have a pedicure.

At the Roaring ’20s party, Jenny apologizes to Eric for being a jerk, and then jerkily sits down beside him and pretends not to know where her jerky minions are, while outside they are being jerks and throwing eggs at Jonathan. When it’s over, they text her: “Operation Dillinger, scrambled. He almost cried!”

Elsewhere in the club, at the exact same time, Chuck and Blair realize his liquor license is fake. He calls the police and she calls the paparazzi and they understand, once again, that they’re perfect for one another because they know how to spin and exploit.

Unfortunately, Serena’s celebrity clients get caught up in the raid. She’s supposed to set up a publicity shot of Olivia and Patrick, but ends up outing Dan and Olivia to the paparazzi, then canoodling Patrick herself.

But not before she and B have a blow-up about siding with Chuck and how B continues to play Serena and tries to sabotage her and, just, whatever. None of this would be happening if they had kissed earlier when Blair suggested it. Both of them would still be in Blair’s bedroom, all Endless Nights-levitation. Love. Lust. Gratitude.

Back at home, Eric asks Jenny why she couldn’t have warned Jonathan about the egg attack.

“I’m still your friend. I’m still your sister. I just don’t want to get the worlds confused,” Jenny says.

Eric rolls his eyes. “I’m not confused; I don’t want anything to do with you in either world.”

Jenny starts tossing out her Brooklyn clothes, finally throwing her sewing machine on the floor on top of them. She’s trading her hand-stitched individuality for department store labels. She’s going to look just like every other girl at Constance. Except for the eyes. Those are sill trademark raccoon.

Next week: Election Party! Blair gets a cake shoved in her face! And it’s the final set-up for what is surely going to be a hella awkward threesome on Nov. 9!

What did you think about “How to Succeed in Bassness”?