“Skins” Retro Recap (3.02): “Cook”

In case you missed the announcement last week, Rophy and I are teaming up to bring you the Greatest Recaps of our Time about the Greatest Show of Our Generation! They are providing screencaps and commentary here, while at RophyDoes.com, they are handing out free LOLs to all!

And today is extra-special because today is James Cook’s birthday! 


I think you can tell a lot about a person by the way s/he celebrates her/his birthday, but I’m kind of afraid to unpack that statement because I don’t know how you celebrate your birthday, and I don’t want to offend you. So let’s just say that Cook is a person who commemorates the day of his birth by giving the entire world a giant card that looks like this:


And do you know what we could do? We could write a dissertation on Cook’s character development from the future — but we probably won’t do that because you’re only here for the girls kissing, aren’t you? (Naomi voice: Don’t lie.)

So, Cook is throwing himself a party at a pub owned by that weird “uncle” people sometimes have, who teaches you to ride a motorcycle and do that really obnoxious sports fan whistle, but forgets to tell you about, like, syphilis or whatever other thing will make your pecker fall off. He gives Cook some powder for his birthday because that’s what that uncle does; that’s his whole thing.

Freddie and JJ are with Cook from the beginning because it is his birthday, after all, and they really are his only family. Katie, Panda and Effy drop by later, and Katie is wearing that look of derision she wears every single time she shows up at a party, and Panda is wearing … a shirt with flying pigs on it, I think. I don’t — is that a statement? No, you know what, let’s don’t do this. If I start talking about the clothes in this episode, I won’t be able to stop myself, and Noami’s denim number isn’t even here yet.

[Rophy says: Oh god, we weren’t able to stop ourselves. Then again, how can you expect us to? We’re as weak as Naomi when it comes to denim. (Jean shorts anyone?)]


The party is a lame-o rave, to quote Future Katie F–king Fitch — which: how awesome would that show be? It would be called HyperFitch and Katie would travel through the whole of time and space, but instead of saving the universe like the Doctor, she’d throw parties and consult on fashion. Like, when she returned to the present, you’d look at illustrated Jane Austen novels, and Charlotte Lucas would be wearing a zebra-striped corset.

Anyway, the party is a bust. Everyone is staring at everyone else in silent judgment while the prettiest one props her head on her hand and daydreams about shagging her best friend. It’s like the early seasons of The Hills is what it is like.

But don’t worry; it’s about to get good, because when Naomi woke up this morning — right before she squeezed her eyes shut and reached into her closet and decided to wear whatever horrible, horrible thing her hands could grab — her mind locked on to Emily’s location. I’m for real. Naomi is an Emily-seeking missile in these early episodes; there’s literally no other explanation for why she shows up at places where she knows Katie is going to harass her and Cook is going to drop his pants and JJ is going to do magic tricks. Emily is the reason. Emily has always been the reason.

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