“Glee” recap (2.01): Say Boobs Again

If you’ve ever read a recap with my name attached to it, you know I’ve got some really complicated feelings about Glee, and not in that "it’s not Skins; how could I ever possibly love it?" kind of way. (But yeah, that’s it a little.) See, because Glee isn’t a show that has a lot of "narrative cohesion" or "authentic character motivation" or "sensible plot," and also it makes me suffer some serious secondhand embarrassment.

Like, Lea Michele is mad sexy, right? But when she’s singing in someone else’s face with her tongue lavishing love all over her (new?) lips and darting in and out of her mouth with the beat of the music, it weirds me out — probably because I’m wondering what I would do if I was standing in the loo and someone busted in and started singing at me like that. I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I couldn’t just stand there and let that happen to me! And I mean it’s not like I hate teenagers singing on TV. I own all the High School Musical DVDs. I think I know a little something about how you gotta Get’cha Head in the Game.

And the other thing that makes me bonkers about Glee is the perpetual PSA bsuiness. Take last night’s Ms. Beiste thing. (I refuse to call it a storyline.) She clomps up into McKinley hurling insults at New Directions and the Cheerios, stealing ten percent of their budget, and then when Mr. Schue and Sue try to retaliate, she acts like they’re attacking her for being butchy.

And then there’s this whole morality addendum about how you shouldn’t feed poop cookies to people just because they’re different. Which: Um, not what happened. They fed you poop cookies, Beiste, because you threatened their programs. And JFC, were you crying? In the locker room? I don’t know much about high school chorus, but I know a thing or two about high school sports. My high school basketball coach told me my parents didn’t love me, OK? SUCK IT UP, LADY. You can be a Troy Bolton or you can be a Finn Hudson. And let me tell you a little something about Finn Hudson.

See? Complicated. You’ve probably already stopped reading, actually, and I don’t blame you even a little bit. So instead of recapping Glee with my words — check out AfterElton.com for good Glee words — I’m gonna recap the un-infuriating/make-believe parts of Glee with my Photoshop skills and desperate desire to fanservice you.