“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.02): Three strikes, you’re gay

OCD and the Red get into a fight in the backyard. Jane and Frost have to pull them apart, but not before OCD draws a little blood. Any day now I expect geriatric bare-knuckle fighting to become a part of ultimate fighting on Spike TV. Red screams that maybe OCD strangled those women, you know, in case you missed the foreshadowing earlier. He says he couldn’t have, he was having kidney dialysis.

Frankie’s crime scene photos lead them instead to a death enthusiast blogger. I’ve also watched enough crime shows to know creepy bloggers are everyone’s favorite first false murder suspect. But that herring was in fact red and another real body is found. They also find what Maura insists is a “reddish brown stain” and not necessarily blood until further analysis on the scarf used to strangle her. They engage in a little quickie eye sex (because sometimes you just don’t have time for foreplay) over yet another bed body.

The reddish brown stains were indeed blood and they turn out to be Red the suspect’s blood. But Jane’s excitement about cracking the case turns almost immediately when Grant steals her thunder by having his task force claim credit. Guess who is on the task force and called his mommy and daddy to watch his big moment? Frankie. Pissed off, thy name is Jane Rizzoli.

Besides the asshole grandstanding, something isn’t adding up for Jane. The evidence just fell in their laps. Also, again, Brian Dennehy is way too big a name to just be a cameo. She checks his dialysis records, and he left before the treatment got started.

Maura and her amazing diagnostic skills knows something is wrong, too, after seeing him. She brings him to her office to check him out, saying it isn’t possible for him to be in dialysis every-other-day because he is in renal failure. Oh, Maura, there is such a thing as being too smart for your own good. He thinks so too and pulls a gun on her.

Jane has a sixth sense for when Maura is in trouble and arrives on cue. Maura and Jane exchange some more quickie eye sex – I mean as long as you’re in mortal peril you might as well have one more go at it. Good thing the bad guy is an old, dying guy because Maura is able to stab him with a scalpel while Jane wails on him with a bat. Take note, world: This is what Jane will do to you if you threaten her woman.

Maura calls it a home run, Jane says It’s just a base hit. Look at them, flirting and the body isn’t even dead yet. More flirting ensues at the bar where Jane is having a beer and Maura a glass of red wine. They pretend to talk about their respective love lives. Maura won’t date bad tan suit guy because she doesn’t date patients, or people with weird-ass diseases. Jane says she only dates two kinds, the kind who hates that she is a cop or the kind that want her to use the handcuffs. Use the handcuffs on Maura, Jane. I know you’re both thinking about it.

Grant walks in with his gross blistery feet and kills the mood. He apologizes to Jane. She wonders where she put her bat. He also tells her he was looking at her, not her test, when they were kids. Guess her face wasn’t that froggy after all. Then Maura gives Jane that patented “Ha-ha, a boy likes you, you big lesbian”-face. You know, this one.

Don’t fight it, ladies. No weird guys with Marfan Syndrome or handcuff fetishes or blistered feet will ever come between you.

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