“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.13): Having a good-looking LLBFF is the best revenge

Just then Mr. Rory Still-A-Douche arrives to call Jane “Rolly Polly Rizzoli” and say she’s “a security guard of something.” Maura pipes up “a detective,” but Jane knows which battles to fight and which to drink heavily about. Mr. Still-A-Douche now runs a big biomedical firm and is married to Dana Fairbanks. Wait, I thought she got out and stayed out. Yes, ladies and lesbians, Erin Daniels arrives and Rizzoli & Isles finally completes its full transition into The L Word.

Erin is the Queen of Mean, Kate, a former lawyer who now primarily fetches vodkas for her douchey husband. She compliments Jane’s body, because it’s really hard to get rid of the gay once it’s part of you. Then she does the old back-hand compliment saying it’s obvious she hasn’t had any kids. Don’t be bitter just because you went back to fellas and now Jane has Maura and you have that guy, honey. Also, please don’t get cancer and die. I can’t lose you twice.

Jane has had enough and woman-handles Maura out of the auditorium and away from the reunion. Though, you really can’t blame her. Sasha Alexander looks otherworldly in Dat Dress. It’s the same Herve she wore back in July on Jimmy Kimmel Live! that made me sit for a solid 10 minutes with my jaw on the floor. I think we can safely say it’s so powerful that Angie Harmon can literally not keep her hands off her.

Likewise, Jane can’t stop groping Maura. It’s like a Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching magnet. She grabs her boob. She grabs her arm. She grabs her boob again. She grabs her arm again. She grabs her hip. She grabs her butt. You see where I’m going with this. But the best thing about all this TGTGT is Maura is totally unfazed by it all. It’s like, oh, Jane’s just steering me again by my tender bits. Like always.