“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.3): WaterLou

Last week: Mariah left, which means Team America went down! No, not in the fun way! The teams are now even at 6 and 6! I wonder if that will happen a whole bunch to keep the fake “team” tension going! Probably, yes! Let’s get out of these exclamation points!

Inside the Model House!

Laura (Team USA, Team LezBiModel) had the best picture of the week last week (yay), so Team America got prizes in the form of another gift box of clothes. And again this week, we don’t really dwell on the clothes. Must have been a product placement that fell through?

To soothe their troubled brows after not getting best picture again, some of the Brits (AlishaSophieLouise and Catherine) decide that they will run into the Americans’ room and throw wet balls of paper at them.

Hey, Brits? This is only barely a prank. I mean, yes, it is late, and the prankees will be surprised, but there is a certain lack of the element of playful cleverness that one hopes for in a good prank. Like, for example, taking a weekend to very carefully cover the entire floor of the prankee’s dorm room with water-filled Dixie cups, or perhaps using said room for the reassembly of a working Volkswagen Beetle. (Residents of the dorm for which my sister Roxanne is an R.A., these are shameful examples and I hope you are not taking notes or making any plans in that regard. Nor should you make it your mission in life to convince the entire campus that Roxanne loves the music of Katy Perry. That would be childish and wrong.)

Anyway, the totally-non-producer-goaded “prank” is underway, and it’s all worthwhile when we see Catherine stuff paper balls into her cleavage for easy carrying.

We hear a model say “We’ll get Seymone,” as we watch the models pointlessly ninja down a completely unguarded hallway, and then they burst in and whip the wet paper balls at Seymone.

For a minute, we’re all on Team Seymone, because that is a lame prank, and becoming a piece of papier-mâché at 2:30 in the morning doesn’t seem like much fun. But then we discover that Seymone does not have a sense of humor about it at all, and then she does that awful thing where a grown woman who should know better uses the word “females” in a derogatory way. Because instead of asserting that these particular women are being lame-asses, it’s much better to buy into the notion that all women are inherently difficult and awful.

Boo, Seymone. You retroactively deserve your wet paper salute.

Within seconds, the models are chest-to-chest and screaming – again, alas, not in the fun way. Do normal people ever really fight like that? It seems to be just TV people.

Alisha correctly diagnoses Seymone’s zero-to-death-machine spike as the stress of the competition and of the dramatic fall from having been on top first week to being in the bottom last week. Unfortunately for Alisha, this show is not called America’s Next Top User of Social Skills.


“Am I smizing?” That’s Alisha, working hard and asking an earnest question of her teammates. They tell her no, then get her to think of loved ones and say yes. Alisha explains that she was dyslexic, tall and slim, and so she was given a rough time in school. She wants to show other London girls that they can go somewhere and be someone. Aww.

Tyra arrives!

Everyone follows Tyra though the house, and her whole visit is super weird. This is the second show in a row where it looks like they went to their backup footage that they shot on a whim.

For example, Tyra has the models walk it out while shouting to her about themselves. Louise playfully shakes her cleavage and says, “I’m Lou, I’m curvy, I’m voluptuous.”

In a confessional, Louise says “There’s not a lot of things I can say I’m good at, but modeling is f–king one of them.” I love Lou in different ways for each half of that sentence. I really want to see how she turns out in 10 or 15 years. I suspect we’ll know because she owns us.

Tyra then apparently takes everyone upstairs and hosts a freestyle rap competition in the bedroom. Please don’t do that anymore, Tyra.

Then they all go downstairs. WHY?

Tyra then tells a moving story of journalists not understanding her and not understanding what a supermodel is and asking “Do you have superpowers?” and then Tyra drives around the room on a Segway shouting “This is a segue!”

Anyway, she’s being Super Smize again (heavy sigh), which, along with Tyra’s deep, deep character work, involves putting on a cape. And apparently wearing a stripe of yellow duct tape around her boobs. Fine.

Oh, and Tyra also wants you to know she wrote a book. Somewhere, a ghostwriter has been paid in Sports Illustrated outtakes and questionable advice. Tyra’s book is a dystopian future kind of young adult book about models. Pity the title The Hunger Games was already taken, eh, Tyra?

Tyra’s book is called Modelland, which we are also calling their house from now on, and it features models with super powers called “Intoxibellas,” and I am so annoyed with Tyra for making me look up how to properly spell and capitalize something in her dumb book that I just bit an eye pencil in half.

The models are issued some capes and a wind machine and are given their new Intoxibella names based on their modeling super powers.

Sorry for the pause there. My brain just tried to flee out my ear and I had to go recapture it.