Previously on Once Upon a Time, Ruby and Dorothy made out, Hades told Zelena he loved her and that her kiss could restart his heart and free him from hell, Belle put herself under a sleeping curse to preserve her pregnancy so Hades couldn’t take her baby, Snow went off to Storybrooke, and Hades turned Cora into a miller as her eternal punishment.
Hades brings Zelena to make-out point and waves his arm over Not!Storybrooke, saying someday everything the light doesn’t touch will be hers. His plan is to keep Regina and her friends in hell so he and Zelena can take over the real Storybrooke. Instead of, I dunno, letting Regina and Emma have Storybrooke and going LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. I hear there’s a Hellmouth in Ohio.
Hades gets down on one me and asks, “Will you make chaos with me?” and Zelena looks torn.
Zelena comes home to find her sister there sippin’ tea like Kermit.
Regina was spying and doesn’t approve of her sister’s beau. Zelena thinks she can change Hades, but Regina isn’t so sure. Zelena tells Regina to GTFO and stop pretending she wants to be a good sister.
Flashback to a teeny tiny Regina playing with a doll and wishing it was a sister. Cora yells at her for wanting a playmate and tells Regina the only person a girl can count on is herself.
Once she leaves, Regina finds Cora’s wand and tries to Pinocchio her doll to life but ends up knocking herself out.
After some brief commentary on gun safety (“Don’t you keep it locked up?”), Cora is forced to find someone in the family who can fix Regina, for no discernable reason other than this episode is called Sisters.
Regina tells Emma that Zelena is in love and acting irrational, unlike them who are acting totally normal, standing 15 feet apart to have a conversation. Regina’s plan is to find Cora to help her talk Zelena out of this relationship. Which also doesn’t follow very solid logic, but honestly nothing on this show does anymore.
Flash back to Cora finding Young Zelena with her abusive father in Oz.
She takes her back to the castle and has her heal Young Regina, and the two of them play and get along fabulously. They even find out that they’re sisters and couldn’t be more delighted. But Cora gets mad that Regina liked being not alone, plus if anyone finds out she has a bastard child it will ruin her reputation in the kingdom. So she wipes the girls’ memories and sends Zelena back to her hellish childhood.
Regina and Hook save Cora from the Hell Mill and feels bad she didn’t save her sooner. She tells her mother about Zelena and Hades, and Cora’s plan is to erase Zelena’s memory…and I’m confused as to why we saved her? She’s still pretty awful.
Cora goes to see Zelena and tells her all the things Zelena has wanted to hear from her abandoned mother while Regina waits in the back hall and pretends Emma is there with her.
Cora offers to get Zelena some water, despite having never been in this house before, goes into the hall, where Zelena surely knows there is no sink, doesn’t even make fake running water noises, and comes back with a full glass of water Regina poofed into existence and poured the forgetting potion in. Zelena is smarter than most people on this show and knows what’s up right away
Zelena and Regina go fireball-to-fireball, classic sibling rivalry.
But Cora decides that giving them back the memories of that like hour or two they liked each other will help everything. Cora calls Regina strong and says she learned that from Emma. (Okay, she says “people you love” but we all know Cora ships SwanQueen.) She also tells Zelena that she meant every word of her apology up until the part she tried to poison her and erase her memory.
Zelena and Regina take Cora to the bridge of fate and at first it seems she’ll be pulled into hell but gets a pass at the last minute, so her daughters watch her walk into the light.
Regina says that maybe Zelena can change Hades after all, and hugs her, apparently forgetting that Zelena raped Regina’s boyfriend to impregnate herself, plus almost killed a baby for her time travel spell. But whatever.
Oh also side note Gold promises his unconscious wife that he will not follow her wishes. He intercepts Zelena on the way to see Hades and says that even though he made a deal not to hurt her, Peter Pan can, so Rumple has his manchild father kidnap the wicked witch.
SwanQueen moments:
I’ve mushed the sound bytes and screen time into one section because there was barely any interaction this week.
Evil Cleavage
This week’s evilest outfit was Cora.
Though Zelena’s Underworld outfit wasn’t so bad in the cleavage department.
Most Emma Moment
James knocked David out then stepped into his shoes for a little while, and Emma, The Human Lie Detector had no idea. But she did make this face, and was probably thinking, “Nah, he’s totally normal. Exactly the same as he is during all the billions of hours of time we spend together, nothing like his twin who couldn’t possibly mimic him this well because they spent zero time together over their lives.”
Special guests
Young Regina, who had an affinity for fireballs, even when they were just imaginary.
Also Young Zelena, Cora, James, Henry Mills.
VIP Special Guest this week goes to Cruella, who slaps Emma with a cartoonish thwack for killing her.
Dumbest thing one of the Two Idiots did
David pushed his brother James into the River of Lost Souls because even though everyone on this show has fought without shoving for five years-and has even fought on that exact pier in Storybrooke without pushing anyone into the water-suddenly it’s the only thing anyone knows how to do.
Was this weird or was it just me?
This feels like a weird way to stand to have a conversation with your mother that you have an on again/off again relationship with? Yes, no, maybe?
Sassgina
This one goes to Zelena again. Regina needs to step up her game. When Gold approached Zelena and was pissed Belle used a sleeping potion, Z said, “If Belle preferred eternal slumber to one more moment with you, that’s hardly my fault. I’d say her judgment is improving.”
Mulan sightings
I guess we’re pretending last week never happened. Ruby and Dorothy rode off into the sunset, hopefully to find Mulan a lady companion so they can start their commune in the Enchanted Forest for lady-loving ladies. But I doubt we’ll ever hear or see from any of them ever again. *Sigh.*
Anyway, you guys add so much delicious salt to these bland episodes, so here are some of our favorite #queerytales tweets from this week:
Not gonna lie, hearing Regina call them her “friends” makes me smile despite nothing on this show making sense. #queerytales
– Nic (@njnic23) 25 April 2016
Tabula rasa-ing the shit out of this situation. #QueeryTales
– Chen Drachman (@shokoshik) 25 April 2016
“I’ve dabbled with forgetting positions before. Also lesbianism.” #OUAT #QueeryTales
– The Other Nic (@CloneNic) 25 April 2016
*bloop* into the river of lost souls with you! #OnceUponATime #queerytales
– Brandi (@Smooth_Rayne) 25 April 2016
Could for once people with magic remember they can poof/apperate?!?! #OUAT #QueeryTales
– Marie (@expert542) 25 April 2016
“Between all the curses and the time jumps…” Did Once just acknowledge the lack of linear plot? #queerytales
– Caitlin Block (@IdentityTokens) 25 April 2016
Regina keeps making reference to people she cares about, we all know it’s code for Emma. Now if she only wrote sapphic poetry. #queerytales
– schmemmm (@schmemmm) 25 April 2016
