A brand new crush always hits hard and there’s no escaping how much of our madness they bring out. If you’ve ever found yourself in the firing line of one of those women who seem to whirlwind into your life, you’ll have suffered some of these symptoms. And I’m so sorry to tell you there is no cure. Here’s 16 signs you’re really in to her.
1. You want to buy her all-the flowers, all the time. Or chocolates. Or that pear pilsner she likes. You know about the pilsner because she posted a picture of her smiling and having some in 2014 and that’s how far back you’ve scrolled.
2. Your new joint cat would be called Mason. She’d be a rescue and you’d let your almost-girlfriend pick whatever she wants. You’ve already re-arranged your hundreds of throw pillows so that your new co-parent can have your pet sleep on her side of the bed, as long as she’s always there too.
3. You care, so much, about what her friends now think about you. If one of them follows you on Insta you feel fuzzy and secretly appoint her your maid-of-honor for your upcoming, definitely happening wedding. Screw your sister… She can do the place cards or something.
4. Her online profile may as well be your homepage. And who is that bitch who literally likes everything she posts before you get there?! Dear that-woman-on-my-Crush’s-page: at least don’t privatize your own profile so I can see more than your basic bio and horrible, smiling, probably-funnier-than-me face!
5. Can everyone else just stop f**king contacting you?! Every time your phone even blinks, if it turns out it’s not her, you become the human Full-Face-Weeping emoji and then scowl for hours.
6. Even though she’s only been agreeing to date you for three weeks now, in your head you’ve raced ahead and coordinated your social and work commitments. OK, she may have to spend Christmas with your family but no worries, you’ve figured it out already. You’ll go stay with her for that work trip you heard her hint about in 2 months. It’s all sorted, you’ve got this. Go cancel on your mum’s birthday before that fictional proposal weekend doesn’t happen. (Don’t.)
7. You know exactly how to make her smile or what to get for her as a perfect present and no, you can’t wait to give it to her. Like, seriously, you have it gift-wrapped already. Only problem is you can’t give it to her yet because it’s nowhere near any sort of occasion and you don’t wish to blow your cover. Your obsessive, crazy cover.
8. If she has an Insta or Tik-Tok that is the end of your what-to-watch-on-the-commute troubles. #ShamelessSocialMediaStalker
9. You have to wipe your phone and all open apps of her profiles before you see her. Otherwise it’ll be like that time I opened my laptop in front of the current lucky lady who was in possession of my overbearing affection and the zoomed-in picture she posted weeks ago was right there on my screen. And there’s that damn woman commenting again… Grrr. No, I didn’t get that third date.
10. The amount of time you’ve spent staring at her name waiting for her to start typing back rivals the amount of time you’ve spent on sleeping or showering this month.
11. One single text from her can wake you up at 6 am. If any alert from her number comes up or a notification niggles it’s way in to your sleeping subconscious, you’re immediately up and awake. Who needs coffee when you have a borderline obsessive crush on an unattainable woman? #CaffeineBudgetHack
12. If you met her online, you now only ever open your apps to check when she was last online. Latest log-in yesterday? But we’ve been dating three weeks?! You ask all-your-friends to Sherlock-this-screenshot as they give you pitying looks and ask if you’ve seen your therapist lately. She’s also visibly bored of hearing her name but hey, it’s my damn money and I’ll waste it how I please. She’s turned off her timestamps? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?!
13. Even though you know you shouldn’t, you immediately reply to every message within seconds. Sometimes you force yourself to wait six minutes and 14 seconds in an attempt at maintaining a modicum of dignity. There’s a very-overused timer set up on your phone. No, you can’t stop.
14. You can reel off, from memory, a backdated history (with names) of her last four exes in chronological order. No, she did not give you that information. You’re choosing to call this resourceful.
15. You’ve stopped dating other people and no, you haven’t told her that yet but you’re sure you’re on the same page. You’ve started cancelling any other date just in case she wants to do something at the last minute. Thank God for YouTube and Take-out (she didn’t).
16. You’ve never liked almost any of things that she’s in to, in fact they used to bore you, but now you find them impossibly endearing. Who knew hard-core drum-and-bass has a poetic side? And why were you so quick to write off reversible print and pleather…? She’s wearing that ironically, right? This list could go on and on. Like Celine Dion’s heart as that song plays on repeat in your bedroom. At the end of the day, if you’re smitten, you’re screwed and if it doesn’t work out then you’ll just have to wait it out. And if it ends in tears? Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. If I’ve forgotten one, meet me on Twitter. I may or may not be doing #11 right now but you’ll have to prove it.
BONUS – Actually happened to that-poor-woman-I-dated… You’ve used both her hairbrush and her toothbrush. From when you turned up uninvited at her door to “surprise her” at 2am after weekday drinks with friends. She found that cute, right? Yes, slurring “All I want is a cuddle and a cheeseburger” is so how you want her to know you… Why did that not work out again? I’m shocked. Totally, totally shocked.
