What do you get when you cross a hockey mom with a pitbull attitude? Wait, wait — I think I know this one. The answer is Sarah Palin. Shoot, really, I got that wrong? The correct answer is a bloody nose. At least that’s what the woman with the rolling briefcase gets when she tangles with Agro Hockey Mom at a youth league match. As if getting hit by Palin Jr. wasn’t bad enough, someone sneaks up behind her and slits her throat. The fake blood budget on this episode must have been through the roof. Back in Maura’s closet, the intervention continues. The first step is admitting it. I’m a homosexual and I don’t need this many pairs of black high heels. Mama Rizzoli and Jane are there for moral support. Jane still has on the walking boot, so all it took was a real-life broken ankle and torn ligament to get some continuity on this show.
Mama R is helping her “clear the clutter” and cleanse her soul of her internalized homophobia/overabundance of shoes. Maura has actually hired her because these are the things you to do ingratiate yourself with your mother-in-law. Jane is there too because, of course she is. They move on to Maura’s dresses and she refuses to part with a blue dress because she had it tailored. Jane remembers being with Maura three years ago when she bought it because, of course she does. By the way she’s sitting, Jane is also remembering what she and Maura were doing together in the closet before Mama R arrived. She’s even making a remarkably similar face. Her sweet memories get interrupted by the doorbell. Too bad, because it’s going to be a while before Jane will get to make that face again if she keeps calling the dresses in Maura’s closet “frumpy frocks.” Though to her credit she also tells Maura she doesn’t have to pay her mom to get on her good side. She’s already letting her mother-in-law live at her house. That’s above and beyond the bounds of being a good girlfriend.
At the door, more family drama arrives. It’s Cailin, Maura’s college-aged half sister/recipient of half of her kidneys. Jane and Maura’s faces telegraphs the sad realization that there will definitely be no more nookie tonight at the Isles Estates. A mom and a sister under the same roof is just too much to overcome for any couple. Cailin mopes in and drops her bags like she lives there already. Her mom is in Italy and all she got was this stupid T-shirt to wear while she is studying for finals. Then she asks if she can crash with Maura for a few days. Maura instinctively glances over at Jane. She gives her that, “I’m sorry, honey, I have to. I promise to make it up with lots of loud role-playing once she leaves.” Cailin says her mom hired a babysitter which is just so lamesville. Jane thinks having to host a 19-year-old in her girlfriend’s house is lamesville. Maura says OK, only to learn after saying yes that it’ll be a three-week stay. Guess who’s freaking out now. I mean, have your half-sister over for a couple days is one thing. Be forced to go to your girlfriend’s cramped condo for naked sexytimes for the next three weeks is entirely another. Just then the thump-thump, blare-blare of a 19-year-old’s music fills Maura’s home. And while she acts annoyed by the uninvited 100 decibels, secretly we know Maura is thrilled. This means they’ll get to sneak in some naughty stuff after all. I mean, who can hear a little moaning over all that racket?
At the parking garage crime scene, the fellas are looking over the dearly departed’s decidedly drenched in blood body. Frankie takes Jane and Maura’s tardiness to the site — guess they decided to get in a quickie as long as the music is playing anyway — as an opportunity to get some training.
But instead of training himself, Frankie helps train Frost on how to get over his gag reflex…about blood. Aw, see, Frostie is so sweet to one another. And it works, Frost takes it all in…looking at the neck wound. Way to help out your man, Frankie. Someone’s getting lucky tonight. Never a dry spell for those Rizzoli siblings.
Jane arrives and goes with Korsak to investigate the people at the arena. Korsak is admittedly not brave enough to stop a tied youth hockey game. But Jane doesn’t blink at hollering at the ref to stop the action. The ref appears eager to experience his last moments on Earth instead, because he calls Jane a “mom” and tells her to back away — repeatedly. This, naturally, does not go over well with Det. Jane Rizzoli. See Jane yell. Yell, Jane, yell. The ref finally gets the picture just in time to not have to dislodge his whistle from wherest the sun doth not shine. The game is stopped and the parents figuratively throw an octopus on the ice. There’s a lot of grousing about the game being stopped and general dickish behavior from sports parents. See, this is why I didn’t play youth sports — who needs to learn at such a tender age that your parents are assholes? Well, that and my complete lack of all athletic abilities.
Maura is back with the body and Jane joins her by following the blood-drops from the arena. It’s like a slasher-film Hansel & Gretel moment. Though, if you think about it, Hansel & Gretel was a pretty sick horror story all on its own. Luring kids in with candy and fattening them up to eat. OK, I think I’m off track. Trail, blood, Maura. And I’m back.
The detectives think the victim might be the one mom who isn’t in the arena. But, no, that’s just Agro Hockey Mom who slipped away to her minivan to have a cigarette after the sweet thrill of breaking another human being’s nose cartilage. The suburban set has to get their jollies where they can. So then who is the lady painting the garage floor in her blood? Inquiring Ponytails of Righteous Justice need to know. Turns out she was a lady who showed up at the hockey league’s practice selling some product called “No-Drip Helmet Pads.” She gave a sample to all the players and then collected them afterward in baggies that the kids wrote their names on. At this moment I’m sure you all thought, “She’s trying to collect their DNA!” because, really, there’s no other reason to handles gross, smelly adolescent boys’ used sweat pads. I swear this show was designed to boost our sleuthing self-esteem and make us feel like Sherlock freaking Holmes. Elementary, my dear Jane and Maura.
After a 2-second Google search, Frost discovers that there’s no such thing as No-Drip Helmet Pads. I hate to say it, but they’re turning him into the Max of Rizzoli & Isles. Frost, do a computer search. Frost, check the stabilizer module for the neovectors communication satellite. And we all roll our eyes along with Korsak. The detectives argue about who should interview Agro Hockey Mom. Jane says she had her own agro hockey mom to deal with as a kid. Oh my God, I’m now imagining little Janey in her hockey pads with her tiny Ponytail of Righteous Sportiness flapping under her helmet. Jane says her mom went nuts at Frankie’s hockey matches, but we all know that’s just because she dominated on the ice so there was no need to berate the refs.
Jane happily ducks out of the interviews and goes down to autopsy for much-needed Maura cuddle time. Or, their equivalent of cuddle time, bantering merrily over a gruesome dead body. They get in jokes about Captain Hook and Lost Boys’ gummy bears. Hold on, are they Swan Queen shippers? Then Hope interrupts all the fun by calling. Is she trying to compete with Senior Criminalist Susie for the title of The CrotchBlocker? Hope has apparently gone on Extreme Makeover Helicopter Mom since we last saw her because she’s even more overprotective than normal. She keeps calling Maura to check up on her 19-year-old daughter. Jane is having none of it. She’s not getting blocked by both the half-sister and the biological mother. A good girlfriend can only take so much. So much, I say.
Requisite Red Herring No. 1 is interviewed by Frost and Korsak. Hey, I just realized Agro Hockey Mom looks a lot like Marla Hooch‘s little sister.
But she isn’t the murderer because the first person they interview is never the murderer. Also she puked all over the interrogation table after they showed her the victim’s bloody picture. And for that brief shining moment Frost wasn’t the biggest baby when it came to blood in all of Boston.
The detectives are puzzling over who the victim could be. Hockey mom? Sales woman? Circus clown? Monkey wrangler? The possibilities are endless because the killer took everything that could identify her, including her car. Jane knows she must have had a car because there is no public transit or taxi records in that area and she was wearing heels a person can only walk half a block in. See, Maura is rubbing off on Jane. She knows exactly the distance her girlfriend can walk in exactly what kind of heels. Also she’s been keeping her foot elevated, just like Maura told her to. Just then who should interrupt them but Maura, with an emergency. Cailin is missing. Or, more accurately, Maura hasn’t talked to Cailin in four hours. So, by all means have your Boston Homicide detective girlfriend call the state troopers and put out a missing persons bulletin. Four hours of silence means she was clearly eaten by wolves and her bones were scattered across the high plains.
Oh, never mind, Cailin just walked in Maura’s front door. She was at a dangerous place called the library where they expect you to turn off your phone and read books. Crazy, I know. Maura grills her on where she was and what she was doing and why she’s such an irresponsible selfish teenager. Especially because she brought pot brownies to her house and hasn’t shared them. Kidding! She always shares. Mama R comforts Maura and tells her that’s what sibling fights feel like. Actually sibling fights feel more like when you yell at your little sister and she retaliated by digging her own nails into her forearm and then running to mom saying you did it. Poor, Maura. She’s only ever engaged in adorable bickering with her girlfriend. The battleground of sister-on-sister violence is totally new to her.
The next morning Maura emerges — in a short silky robe, thanks wardrobe department — to find her kitchen has been overrun by co-eds. Cailin has two of her friends over and they’re making breakfast after pulling an all-nighter studying. Making breakfast is a little misleading. They’ve ripped open and scattered every ingredient in Maura’s kitchen across her counters. Cailin gets all embarrassed about her friends seeing her big lezzie sister in her sexytimes robe. But her friends are like, dude, it’s 2013. Love is love, get over it. Then one of the girls ruins the moment by saying how great it is when women Maura’s age look good even without makeup. Ohhh. You in danger, gurl.
But before Maura can stab her to death with her glare, a long-haired vagrant walks into her kitchen. Sorry, not a vagrant, just a Santa Cruz student who was sleeping under the stars on her doorstep. So perhaps I was right in the first place? Kidding! They give their students real grades now and everything. Maura is perturbed on so many levels. A 19-year-old just called her old. A hippie is eating pancakes in her kitchen. Cailin attempts to win her over with breakfast foods, which we all know are the secret peacemaker of the world. How can you be mad at the universe when there’s bacon to be eaten? Don’t worry, vegans, we’ll even substitute tofu bacon for you.
After Cailin and her crew leave, Maura is left to passive aggressively scrub down the kitchen with Mama R. Leave it to Maura to have the world’s cutest rubber kitchen gloves and apron. Mama R tells her she needs to set boundaries with Cailin, just like she never did with Jane. Can’t she just give Cailin a noogie and threaten her with wedgies if she doesn’t clean up after herself?
Back at the office Maura tries to commiserate with Jane about her sibling problems. Jane says Cailin is a good person and student, so demanding she’s also a good cleaner is almost greedy. Plus, Jane’s not the neatest lady in the world and look how well those two fit together. Opposites attract for a reason. Not that you should be attracted to your sister, Maura. This isn’t Flowers in the Attic.
Meanwhile, Mama R is in the breakroom collecting cans out of the garbage. Perhaps I was mistaken about who was the vagrant after all. Korsak catches her in the act and makes her tell him what’s wrong. Papa R never paid their taxes and because she never signed the divorce papers she now owes $27,000 to the IRS. Lady, you’re going to need a much bigger boat to collect 27K worth of cans. Korsak says he’ll loan her the money, interest free, on the spot. She declines, but isn’t Korsak just the greatest. Rescuer of stray dogs, cats and broke divorcees. The detectives narrow the murder weapon down to a skate hook, normally used to tighten laces. Maura narrows it down even further to a specific brand of manufacturer because she’s awesome and definitely would not have any underlings who would perform routine comparison tests in forensic clay for her. But the team still hasn’t identified the victim. Damn guys, we’re two-thirds of the way through this thing. Get on it so we can have our Big Gayzzoli Ending.
The detectives make a random, yet apparently educated guess where the victim’s car must be. They think it’s in the water off a nearby secluded pier. I sure hope it’s there because it’s not like you could search the missing person’s database to find this woman or anything. Nope, only her car. Well, at least they gets creative on obtaining fingerprints from all 65 potential suspects from the ice rink, which means enlisting Frankie for a lot of interviews with cranky hockey parents. Jane decides to help him, leaving Frost and Korsak to watch the big crane pull the car out of the ocean. They both literally giggle with delight while watching it happen. Boys will never outgrow their love of Erector Sets. Yes, I said “Erector.” Insert Beavis & Butt-head giggle here. Because they haven’t had enough alone time since Cailin’s arrival, Jane and Maura insist on staying as close as possible in the office up to and including going through single-person doorways at the same time. I mean, really, get closer you two. The Gemini impersonators run into Mama in the café rolling out her latest money-making scheme: Angela’s Pick-Me Ups. It’s a food cart filled with all of the baked goods she’s been feverishly preparing in Maura’s kitchen. I’m not going to get into the fact that in order to legally sell food a business must be permitted and have its product made in an approved commercial kitchen. Good thing a building-full of cops would definitely not know that.
But Jane does know something is up with her ma, and that it’s probably something about money problems. Still she has a more pressing problem to address, namely her girlfriend’s overnight transformation into an insane helicopter parent. Now she’s insisting Cailin checks in every 30 minutes. She tells Maura to be a big sister, not a second mother to Cailin. They have TJ to be second mothers to already. I can’t tell if Maura’s just listening intently to Jane’s advise here or daydreaming about the next time she gets to see her naked.
The sea-logged car leads the detectives to the victim’s identity, a doctor who was the director of clinical research at a pharmaceutical company which was conducting drug trials to find a cure for Huntington’s Disease. That is a lot of very specific plot information that we can now breeze through to get to the good stuff. The detectives discover she was collecting hundreds of off-the-books sweaty helmet pads from adolescent boys ages 12-14 who played hockey and lived in coastal cities. Thankfully it wasn’t a weird fetish thing after all. Just, as we Sherlocked out long ago, to test their DNA.
In a nutshell, the victim was looking for her long-lost nephew, who was presumed dead along with her sister and sister’s husband in a boating accident 12 years ago. Except the doctor never believed it was an accident, but that the husband killed her sister and then faked his own death to run away with their son. Whew, so much plot again. We’re running out of time. Solve this. For good measure and to motivate through praise Maura calls Jane a “genius” for her idea of tricking the hockey parents into giving their fingerprints during their interviews. A little bit of sugar goes a long way. Bada-bing, bada-boom, they arrest one of the hockey dads who was really the presumed dead dad who had had plastic surgery to disguise his identity. And the Ponytail of Righteous Justice puts another bad guy away. Now, dammit, can we please have our Big Gayzzoli Ending?
Our ladies end the night sipping wine together in Maura’s kitchen. Yes, stop the presses, Jane is drinking wine instead of beer. Did the Blue Moon endorsement contract run out? Because we know Maura’s a good enough girlfriend to stock plenty of her lady’s favorite brew in the fridge. The women share their Big Lesbian Feelings about the beauty of familiar love. And then Cailin comes in to complete their familiar picture. She asks for a glass of wine from big sis, then teases her about knowing a guy who can get her a six-pack. Drink Jane’s beer from the refrigerator, girl. They’ll never miss it because you know those two are going to “bed” as soon as they’re done with that wine. Good thing they ordered take-out, because they’re definitely eating in tonight. Ahem.
And now, time to #Gayzzoli like you’ve never #Gayzzolied before. The tweets of the week.
can we just pretend that Maura is making room for Jane’s shoes? #RizzoliAndIsles #Gayzzoli– ley (@diswickdtongueS) August 14, 2013
“I knew you guys would understand.” Even her sister knows they are married. #Gayzzoli– R&I Bruins Fan (@RIBruinsabc321) August 14, 2013
Jane look closely. This is how your children well be raised. #RizzoliAndIsles #rizzles #Gayzzoli– Bethany Danielle (@TnDani) August 14, 2013
I bet that isn’t the first time Frost said “It works I am not gagging.” #Gayzzoli– P-Cast (@Puss_Cast) August 14, 2013
Maura’s using a lot of suggestive words during this conversation…like curved. #thenewsextoyworkswell #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles– Jules (@mirettesvertes) August 14, 2013
Sorry Jane, the distance you can walk in heels doesn’t equal the distance a femme can walk in heels #Gayzzoli– PLL Shipped (@Shipper648) August 14, 2013
The reason this situation isn’t working is because Jane is clearly the stern mom while Maura is the nerdy fun one. #Gayzzoli– Teresa (@TeresaTastic) August 14, 2013
Jane & Maura spend every waking hour inside/outside work together. Nothing 2 see. These aren’t the gay droids you’re looking for. #gayzzoli– DJ Shiva (@djshiva) August 14, 2013
At this rate I’m hoping the last victim of this season is Frank Sr. What a creep! #Gayzzoli– Tammy (@ChuChu353) August 14, 2013
Tough mom, take-out mom. Good thing you have Cailin to practice; y’all gotta figure shit out b4 a little Rizzoli-Isles comes along #Gayzzoli– Maigonokaze (@Maigonokaze) August 14, 2013
i really think that Jane and Maura would be perfect friends for Stef and Lena! #gayzzoli meets #TheFosters #RizzoliAndIsles– K P (@KP_web) August 14, 2013
