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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.11): All Hail Seitan

Photo of Dorothy Snarker Dorothy SnarkerSeptember 6, 2013
12 minutes read

Jane grabs it and steams it open while Maura yells at her because “mail tampering is a crime.” It’s only by breaking the law that they learn the terrible, awful about Mama R’s back taxes. Jane gets mad that her ma obviously told Tommy, but not her or Frankie about the $27,000 problem. But Maura knows. She may be wordy, but Jane is judgey.

Frankie and Jane commiserate about being terrible judgmental children together the next day. I know it’s the next day because Jane has on a different colored T-shirt. Seriously, that’s the only way I know. Sorry, that’s a lie. Sometimes I can tell because Maura is wearing a differently colored dress. Speaking of Maura, she’s uncovered the cause of death — a lethal Ritalin overdose. Death by ADHD?

All of this leads us to Red Herring No. 3. I know, they got ambitious this episode. Which is silly because we all know DOUG SAVANT DID IT. One of the students complained about the judge on a Mock Your Advisor website and suggested she get death by lethal injection. Of course, Urkel Jr. didn’t do it, he just didn’t understand that just because you have a computer and the ability to hit “submit,” doesn’t mean you have the right to be an asshole. If only we could teach this valuable life lesson to the rest of the internet.

While Urkel Jr. isn’t the killer, he does have non-prescription Ritalin in his locker. So the little snot promptly asks for a deal to give up his dealer. And the dealer turns out to be the newly orphaned daughter of the judge. She gave the pills to her friend. But they weren’t from her prescription, they were from a bottle she found in her house. The plot thickens… oh who cares, DOUG SAVANT DID IT.

In the office, Frost complains to Maura about tingling and stinging he’s had in his wrist since it was broken in the garage collapse. So much continuity, now I feel dizzy. Maura says she knows what might help. Next thing we know, Frost is a pincushion. I’d say performing impromptu office acupuncture was weird, but she is a licensed medical doctor and also Maura.

Jane walks in and asks if a room filled with all of Maura’s masks of death is really the best relaxing environment for an acupuncture treatment. Maura assures Jane she’s fully certified and aced every single test there is to ace, which we all knew anyway. We also all know that DOUG SAVANT DID IT, but I guess the writers just can’t see it in their hearts to go ahead and let Jane and Maura snuggle on the couch for the remaining 20 minutes.

Maura has found that the judge was taking Ritalin, in pill form, for at least six months prior to her death. She was taking it, in secret, to cover for her narcolepsy. And her narcolepsy wasn’t in her medical records because she was afraid revealing it would get her thrown off the bench by the sexist boys club. Apparently she had seen a similar thing happen to another female judge when she was still in law school. See Jane scowl at sexism. Scowl, Jane, scowl.

Back in the kitchen, where the Boston judicial community believes women belong, Mama R rolls out her treats cart and finds Korsak. But she’s not about pushing sugar today. No, today she’s here to grill him on whether he paid off her $27,000 IRS debt. She went to pay her bill online and it said there was a zero balance. Also, good for Angela for entering the internet age and paying her bills electronically. My mom still uses paper checks at the grocery store. But it wasn’t Korsak, so he says he’ll investigate for her.

But there’s no time to solve that mystery because Red Herring No. 4 is here. It’s some guy who filed a formal complaint against the judge but isn’t her killer because DOUG SAVANT DID IT. But No. 4 does lead them to a conspiracy about a private correctional facility, where his son was an inmate and later died of mysterious reasons while on an extended sentence. He thinks the judges were taking kickbacks, but her financials are clean. Yeah, of course, because DOUG SAVANT DID IT.

They look into the prison, where the judge had sent many of her first-time offenders in hopes of rehabilitation. But instead they all got their sentences extended. Hence, the empty “Extensions” folder. Seems she was looking into the prison. Maura also uncovers some fishy business — and not the fun kind — in the dead inmate’s file.

So Jane, Maura and Korsak all go to investigate. They get in under the rouse of being “on the same side” against the pain-in-the-you-know-where dad (ak.a. Red Herring No. 4). The warden sympathizes, parents whose children were wrongfully killed while under state-sanctioned supervision can be so annoying. The detectives and Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (they come along to all police interviews not involving dead bodies, right?) ask for a tour, but the warden won’t let them see the prisoner cells.

So Jane does what any woman would do. She fakes menstrual cramps. Maura runs after her, leaving Korsak to “bitch” about having a female co-worker. The warden reacts in an appropriately sexist fashion so we can’t wait for Jane to nail him — but not in the fun way. In the handcuffs way, but — yet again — not in the fun way.

Jane and Maura Scooby Doo their way through the prison. Jane has conveniently swiped an access card to get into restricted areas. All this subterfuge makes Maura itchy, so Jane promises to buy her some Benadryl. Sheesh, we already gave you the trophy. No need to keep kissing up.

They find hardcore gangbangers stuffed four-to-a-cell in what should be a minimum security facility. They also find an infirmary which is only open twice a week for a few hours. Inside they find the victim’s medical file, which reveals he died from suffocation not so-called kidney failure. So the prison officials covered it up to keep their state contract. And they also cover up the fact that they present themselves as a minimum security facility when really it’s filled with murderers and rapists. The cherry on top of this already solved puzzle is the Ritalin Maura finds in the medicine cabinet.

Jane and Maura manage to slip out of the infirmary unnoticed. All those years of sneaking around for a private place to be alone at police headquarters have really paid off. Back in the office, Frost shows them a video he found of Doug Savant, who did it, having an angry coffee meeting with the judge. They’re talking about the extensions and she brings out a complaint to the bar — and, one last time, not the fun kind.

To no one’s surprise, Doug Savant has ties to the private prison. His firm represents them and he recommended the facility to her. So the judge was threatening to have him disbarred, meaning he could potentially lose everything. What happens next, kids? Yep, DOUG SAVANT DID IT.

Right, so this thing could have been solved 58 minutes ago. But no big deal. At least we have a couple minutes for our Big Gayzzoli Ending. Right? Well, sort of. Mama R is at The Dirty Robber waiting for Korsak, who confirms she’s debt free from the IRS. Tommy is there, too, drinking a soda and buying the house a round on him. Looks like his personal injury settlement came in. Gee. Tommy comes into money. Tommy has a big heart. This is really tough, who paid off Mama R’s IRS bill? Wait, DOUG SAVANT DID IT, TOO? Nope, it was Tommy. Big, dumb, lovable Tommy.

He even covers for Jane and Maura when they let slip they knew about Mama R’s money troubles. He’s starting to reach Giovanni-levels of clueless likeability. Jane tells him she’s proud of him, and gives him a mama bear hug. She says Frankie and her will split the debt with him, because the Rizzolis stick together. And the Rizzolis also know not to mess with each other’s women. Tommy rightfully asks Jane, since they’re all hugging, can he hug Maura, too. Jane allows it. But with a stern, “Hands where I can see them.” Nobody gets handsy with Det. Jane Rizzoli’s lady, nobody but Det. Jane Rizzoli.

And now for your Thank God, They Shaved Beard-Free #Gayzzoli tweets of the week.

 

 

               

Hey, doesn’t this lawyer look a little young. Or perhaps I’m just getting old. I got a new dentist this year and I swear she’s not old enough to know who the New Kids on the Block are. But, wait. I’m not just a prehistoric fossil, that lawyer really is young. Because this is mock trial and these are teenagers. But there’s a real death happening as a woman stumbles into the court and collapses.

At the Division One Café Jane and Maura are having coffee together. But Maura isn’t letting Jane get the good stuff, insisting on decaf instead. Really, what is the point? That’s like going to the florist and buying plastic flowers. Jane, being the not-so-secretly whipped puppy that she is, tells Mama Rizzoli that Maura says she can’t drink regular. So Mama R takes pity on her daughter and her girlfriend’s strict caffeine rules and slips her an espresso brownie instead. Jane digs in, but offers Maura a bite because good girlfriends always share.

Mama R brags about all the profits she’s raking in by making the Boston Police Department overweight. She is up to over $100 a week extra. Jane comments how great it is her mom is saving for retirement. But Mama R shoots her a guilty look and scurries off. She’s not saving for retirement because she knows her daughter-in-law is loaded. Silly Jane.

Tommy walks in with his new neckless personal injury lawyer Mark The Shark. More like Mark The Beached Whale. The lawyer promises to get him fast money for being in the building collapse. Hey, will you look at that — continuity. Remember when Frost, Tommy and TJ were almost squooshed in that parking garage at the end of Season 3? So do the writers. See, miracles can happen, Maura.

The familial lawyer drama gets interrupted by real lawyer drama as Jane and Maura get called out to investigate the woman who collapsed in the courtroom. She was a judge, and a damn good one apparently. Everyone is sad about it, and so am I because if we lose a good judge that means the terrible judges like the dude who sentenced the 54-year-old rapist of a 14-year-old girl, who later committed suicide, to just 30-days in jail just because he said she seemed “older than her chronological age” get even more power. But seriously, did you hear about that case? Luckily, it’s being reconsidered.

Right, back to fake outrage, the judge was advising mock trial when she collapsed and died. Frost knows all about mock trial because he participated and was even made prosecutor. But he’s all modest about his accomplishments. Awww, Frost. I say it each and every time I see him still.

Maura is impressed by Frost’s feat, because it’s “highly competitive” and also she never made the team in high school. Everyone does the confused dog head tilt because super-genius Dr. Maura Isles can do anything she puts her ridiculously big brain to. Jane says, “That’s not possible.” Such a good girlfriend this episode, see how well she reacts once the beards are gone. But Maura was deemed too wordy. Jane suppresses a laugh, which makes her an extra good girlfriend.

As Maura examines the body, they ponder the color of the wet paint smudge they find on her hand. Jane calls it “institutional beige,” but Maura insists it’s more of a “taupe or a sand color, perhaps even a muted coral with a hint of abalone shell.” Jane wordlessly conveys Maura’s wordinesss and it’s really cute. See, see what happens when you shave for an episode Rizzoli & Isles?

Frankie comes in to help so Jane sends him off to find the fresh paint in the courthouse. Frost offers to come along on the search. Every time I see those two I sing Tiffany’s power ballad “Could’ve Been” in my head. Korsak motions Jane to come speak to the judge’s co-advisor and it’s Melrose Place star Doug Savant. DOUG SAVANT DID IT. Case closed — everyone go home and snuggle now.

 

Doug Savant went to law school with the judge. He’s comforting the judge’s daughter, who was in mock trial and saw her mom collapse and die. Everyone talks in hushed, concerned tones. Maura finds a needle prick on the judge’s neck and scratch on her hand, indicating murder. Come on, we all know DOUG SAVANT DID IT. That’s a wrap — pour a glass of wine and pop open a beer. Nothing more to see here.

Ugh, fine — they insist on completing the investigation. In the autopsy room Jane is impatiently badgering Maura about what toxin could have killed the judge. But Maura explains that science is hard. How is it they can put a rover on Mars, but can’t make two women who are obviously attracted to one another make out?

Jane pushes, but Maura is having none of it. Do not question your girlfriend’s process. Do we have to take the No. 1 Girlfriend trophy away from you so soon, Jane? She also notices the judge had the legs of a runner. OK, yep, there goes the trophy.

The detectives try to fill in the timelines of the judge’s last moments. They find lots of files in her briefcase, and an empty file marked “Extensions.” They also deduce she went up and down four flights of stairs, but aren’t sure how long it would take a runner in good shape like her to make it. So Frost bolts up and runs off wordlessly. Awww, Frost. Turns out it’s just 45 seconds.

Red Herring No. 1 is a prominent doctor selling prescription drugs to a local gang. Soon there’s a Red Herring No. 2, the judge’s law clerk, to keep him company. Frost and Frankie do their weird gross dude thing where they check out chicks together again. Seriously, aren’t you two tired from living so much on the DL? Wait, what am I talking about, look who your role models are.

Korsak puts an end to their ridiculousness with a forceful, “No!” So say we all. Listen to your elders, boys. Red Herring No. 2 says the judge was a feminist trailblazer for women on the court. But also sometimes she had dizziness, fatigue and slurred speech. Was she an alcoholic feminist trailblazer? To be Korsak about it, no! Because DOUG SAVANT DID IT.

Later that night at the Isles Estate, Jane is there because of course she is. She’s unpacking their take-out. She finds — could it be, could it be…SATAN? (If you’re old enough to get that Church Lady SNL joke, high five!) It’s actually seitan, a meat substitute Maura ordered for them because of course she did. Jane realizes it’s theme night, what with the mock trial and mock meat. Though, to be fair, these gals always indulge in meat substitutes. Just not at the dinner table. On the dinner table, well, that’s another story.

Jane praises seitan for Maura in an attempt to win back her No. 1 Girlfriend trophy. Then Tommy bursts in — because someone needs to fill the role of Captain Crotchblock/Senior Criminologist Susie Chang — with Maura’s mail and a bag full of recyclable cans and bottles for Mama R. Maura immediately goes into Wikipedia fact mode, spouting off about fungus, bacteria and other pathogens.

Jane barks at Tommy to get the offending bag out of her girlfriend’s living room and when he doesn’t do so promptly she picks it up and throws it out before Maura’s head explodes — and not in that fun way. Look who just earned back her trophy.

Jane calls Tommy’s decision to use Shamu The Lawyer for his settlement “short-sighted and stupid.” He, naturally, takes offense. After he leaves Maura sorts through her mail only to find an IRS audit. But it’s not for Dr. Maura Isles because you know she has the most immaculate and color-coordinated tax returns you’ve ever seen. It’s for Mama R.

Jane grabs it and steams it open while Maura yells at her because “mail tampering is a crime.” It’s only by breaking the law that they learn the terrible, awful about Mama R’s back taxes. Jane gets mad that her ma obviously told Tommy, but not her or Frankie about the $27,000 problem. But Maura knows. She may be wordy, but Jane is judgey.

Frankie and Jane commiserate about being terrible judgmental children together the next day. I know it’s the next day because Jane has on a different colored T-shirt. Seriously, that’s the only way I know. Sorry, that’s a lie. Sometimes I can tell because Maura is wearing a differently colored dress. Speaking of Maura, she’s uncovered the cause of death — a lethal Ritalin overdose. Death by ADHD?

All of this leads us to Red Herring No. 3. I know, they got ambitious this episode. Which is silly because we all know DOUG SAVANT DID IT. One of the students complained about the judge on a Mock Your Advisor website and suggested she get death by lethal injection. Of course, Urkel Jr. didn’t do it, he just didn’t understand that just because you have a computer and the ability to hit “submit,” doesn’t mean you have the right to be an asshole. If only we could teach this valuable life lesson to the rest of the internet.

While Urkel Jr. isn’t the killer, he does have non-prescription Ritalin in his locker. So the little snot promptly asks for a deal to give up his dealer. And the dealer turns out to be the newly orphaned daughter of the judge. She gave the pills to her friend. But they weren’t from her prescription, they were from a bottle she found in her house. The plot thickens… oh who cares, DOUG SAVANT DID IT.

In the office, Frost complains to Maura about tingling and stinging he’s had in his wrist since it was broken in the garage collapse. So much continuity, now I feel dizzy. Maura says she knows what might help. Next thing we know, Frost is a pincushion. I’d say performing impromptu office acupuncture was weird, but she is a licensed medical doctor and also Maura.

Jane walks in and asks if a room filled with all of Maura’s masks of death is really the best relaxing environment for an acupuncture treatment. Maura assures Jane she’s fully certified and aced every single test there is to ace, which we all knew anyway. We also all know that DOUG SAVANT DID IT, but I guess the writers just can’t see it in their hearts to go ahead and let Jane and Maura snuggle on the couch for the remaining 20 minutes.

Maura has found that the judge was taking Ritalin, in pill form, for at least six months prior to her death. She was taking it, in secret, to cover for her narcolepsy. And her narcolepsy wasn’t in her medical records because she was afraid revealing it would get her thrown off the bench by the sexist boys club. Apparently she had seen a similar thing happen to another female judge when she was still in law school. See Jane scowl at sexism. Scowl, Jane, scowl.

Back in the kitchen, where the Boston judicial community believes women belong, Mama R rolls out her treats cart and finds Korsak. But she’s not about pushing sugar today. No, today she’s here to grill him on whether he paid off her $27,000 IRS debt. She went to pay her bill online and it said there was a zero balance. Also, good for Angela for entering the internet age and paying her bills electronically. My mom still uses paper checks at the grocery store. But it wasn’t Korsak, so he says he’ll investigate for her.

But there’s no time to solve that mystery because Red Herring No. 4 is here. It’s some guy who filed a formal complaint against the judge but isn’t her killer because DOUG SAVANT DID IT. But No. 4 does lead them to a conspiracy about a private correctional facility, where his son was an inmate and later died of mysterious reasons while on an extended sentence. He thinks the judges were taking kickbacks, but her financials are clean. Yeah, of course, because DOUG SAVANT DID IT.

They look into the prison, where the judge had sent many of her first-time offenders in hopes of rehabilitation. But instead they all got their sentences extended. Hence, the empty “Extensions” folder. Seems she was looking into the prison. Maura also uncovers some fishy business — and not the fun kind — in the dead inmate’s file.

So Jane, Maura and Korsak all go to investigate. They get in under the rouse of being “on the same side” against the pain-in-the-you-know-where dad (ak.a. Red Herring No. 4). The warden sympathizes, parents whose children were wrongfully killed while under state-sanctioned supervision can be so annoying. The detectives and Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (they come along to all police interviews not involving dead bodies, right?) ask for a tour, but the warden won’t let them see the prisoner cells.

So Jane does what any woman would do. She fakes menstrual cramps. Maura runs after her, leaving Korsak to “bitch” about having a female co-worker. The warden reacts in an appropriately sexist fashion so we can’t wait for Jane to nail him — but not in the fun way. In the handcuffs way, but — yet again — not in the fun way.

Jane and Maura Scooby Doo their way through the prison. Jane has conveniently swiped an access card to get into restricted areas. All this subterfuge makes Maura itchy, so Jane promises to buy her some Benadryl. Sheesh, we already gave you the trophy. No need to keep kissing up.

They find hardcore gangbangers stuffed four-to-a-cell in what should be a minimum security facility. They also find an infirmary which is only open twice a week for a few hours. Inside they find the victim’s medical file, which reveals he died from suffocation not so-called kidney failure. So the prison officials covered it up to keep their state contract. And they also cover up the fact that they present themselves as a minimum security facility when really it’s filled with murderers and rapists. The cherry on top of this already solved puzzle is the Ritalin Maura finds in the medicine cabinet.

Jane and Maura manage to slip out of the infirmary unnoticed. All those years of sneaking around for a private place to be alone at police headquarters have really paid off. Back in the office, Frost shows them a video he found of Doug Savant, who did it, having an angry coffee meeting with the judge. They’re talking about the extensions and she brings out a complaint to the bar — and, one last time, not the fun kind.

To no one’s surprise, Doug Savant has ties to the private prison. His firm represents them and he recommended the facility to her. So the judge was threatening to have him disbarred, meaning he could potentially lose everything. What happens next, kids? Yep, DOUG SAVANT DID IT.

Right, so this thing could have been solved 58 minutes ago. But no big deal. At least we have a couple minutes for our Big Gayzzoli Ending. Right? Well, sort of. Mama R is at The Dirty Robber waiting for Korsak, who confirms she’s debt free from the IRS. Tommy is there, too, drinking a soda and buying the house a round on him. Looks like his personal injury settlement came in. Gee. Tommy comes into money. Tommy has a big heart. This is really tough, who paid off Mama R’s IRS bill? Wait, DOUG SAVANT DID IT, TOO? Nope, it was Tommy. Big, dumb, lovable Tommy.

He even covers for Jane and Maura when they let slip they knew about Mama R’s money troubles. He’s starting to reach Giovanni-levels of clueless likeability. Jane tells him she’s proud of him, and gives him a mama bear hug. She says Frankie and her will split the debt with him, because the Rizzolis stick together. And the Rizzolis also know not to mess with each other’s women. Tommy rightfully asks Jane, since they’re all hugging, can he hug Maura, too. Jane allows it. But with a stern, “Hands where I can see them.” Nobody gets handsy with Det. Jane Rizzoli’s lady, nobody but Det. Jane Rizzoli.

And now for your Thank God, They Shaved Beard-Free #Gayzzoli tweets of the week.

 

 

               

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Photo of Dorothy Snarker Dorothy SnarkerSeptember 6, 2013
12 minutes read

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