Hey, remember before Rizzoli & Isles returned for its winter mini-season and I said this? “I swear to God, if that ‘shocking news’ is that Jane is pregnant I am out. O-U-freaking-T.” Yeahhhhh. About that. Let’s put a pin in that for further discussion later. And by “further discussion” I mean I’m going to drink and curse a lot. Cool? Cool.
So, see—this is why I don’t take a private car service. Also, there’s the little issue of me not being able to afford one. But mostly there’s the fear of being driven out to a dark road and shot in the back of the head.
In a well-lit bar without any execution-style killings (yet), the Rizzolis and their loved ones are celebrating. Tommy and his new fiancée Lydia are there. Mama Rizzoli and her boyfriend Lt. Cavanaugh are there. Jane and her girlfriend Maura are there. Poor, poor lonely Frankie. If only we could find him a nice gal. But, alas, I guess all the good ones are taken. Hear that, Frankie? Taken.
The brood is feting Tommy and Lydia’s engagement. Everyone is proud of the youngest Rizzoli for getting his life together and taking the pressure off of them to pop out grandkids. Though, something tells me TJ is the smartest Rizzoli by far. I mean, look at that kid’s face. He’s like, “Stupid grown-ups, can’t they see those two are gay?”
Jane goes up to the bar for another bottle of sparkling cider. Maura follows for some alone time. You have to take it where you can when you have as big and as always around family as the Rizzolis. Jane pulls that damn ring out of her pocket. You know this is unbelievably cruel to Maura, to taunt her with your over-the-top beard engagement scenario. Maura tells her if she keeps doing that she’ll lose it. Read: I will make sure it gets lost.
Then Jane laughs, tosses the ring into an empty cup and tells Maura, “Of course I’m not marrying that bag of bricks in army fatigues. I love you, silly.”
Oh, sorry. That’s what Jane should have said. Instead she babbles on about them going through with it and Col. Beard Force leaving the military for her. She moons on about buying a triple-decker near the water and fixing it up. Someone has been watching too much Rehab Addict with Nicole Curtis. Just kidding, there’s no such thing as watching too much Rehab Addict, said the Rehab Addict addict.
Then Jane talks about couples who choose to remain childless, which as we all know is totally code for gay couples. (Well, those among us who choose to remain childless. Big love to all you mombians out there.) Maura insists on organizing the engagement party, because if you’re going to throw a big elaborate charade, let it be a big elaborate tasteful charade with nary a plastic champagne cup in sight. They seal their agreement with a little public eye sex and some huggy Totally Gratuitous Totally Gay Touching.
Cavanaugh interrupts to pull Jane away because he hates love and possibly rainbows and puppies, too. A VIP has been murdered so it is all hands on deck. All hands except Frost, because he is on vacation. If only. Rest in peace, Lee Thompson Young.
The team arrives on the darkened scene and, yep, the lady is still dead. But it turns out the lady is the daughter of a senator, so it’s Important with a capital “I.” The team goes to the senator’s house and are greeted by the deputy from the Department of Homeland Security. Is there a letter bigger than a capital? Because that’s what this case is, in case you haven’t noticed. I am expecting drones to start flying overheard any second.
Jane, of course, gets into a territorial pissing match with the Homeland Security deputy. I’d tell them to just get out a tape measure and be done with it, but we all know Jane’s is bigger.
A meeting with the senator herself tells them the victim was an introvert, had lost weight before her wedding, was engaged to someone her mother didn’t know and didn’t make enough to have the $20,000 they found in her pocket. This sounds like a really weird episode of Bridezilla.
Back at the lab, Maura and Senior Criminalist Susie Chang are processing the evidence. They’re not logging it in though because this case is capital I, Important. So privacy is important. Susie is also worried about privacy, namely her own. She’s a nudist, remember?
But Maura calmly, pointedly informs her that privacy is an illusion. One can only assume this is cosmic retribution for all those times Susie interrupted Jane and Maura’s private moments. She’s not called Captain Crotchblock for nothing.
As if to illustrate the point, Frankie bursts in looking for Jane. It’s Tommy; he’s blitzed. So Maura goes with Frankie to the bar. What follows is just testosterone run amuck. Tommy taunts Frankie. Frankie grabs Tommy. Tommy punches Frankie. Ugh, boys — so freaking emotional.
In between it all Tommy spills the beans about Frankie liking Maura. And Frankie yells at Maura while he’s tussling with Tommy. It’s not Frankie’s blue-collar roots that should turn Maura off. It’s that he is a jerk. Well, that and the fact that she’s totally gay for Jane.
Anyway, they fight. Stuff breaks, including their faces. Also Tommy calls Frankie “Francis” instead of his actual name, “Francesco.” Who needs continuity when there’s all this dumb male posturing to be done? Meanwhile back at the office big sister Jane is turning down a tuna sandwich. Well, we know something is wrong if Jane is turning down a fish dinner. Yes, that was a lesbian sex joke. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.
Korsak and Cavanaugh notice Jane’s engagement ring. They squeal with delight and ask for all the juicy details. Fine, they only squeal with delight. (See how stupid it sounds when you flip the genders, writers. Take note.) They also wonder aloud if the victim was a female Edward Snowden and fleeing the country. But all the squealing and speculation will have to wait because Jane gets a call from Maura. She answers with The Tone—you know, the annoyed one you give your girlfriend when she calls at work sometimes. Still, she drops everything and leaves in the middle of a big case because when Maura calls, Jane comes. Yes, that was also a lesbian sex joke. I told you I’d be here all week.
When Jane arrives Maura is stitching up Frankie and Mama R is tending to Tommy. Jane demands answers and they’re kinda sad. After three years of sobriety, Tommy started drinking again because of their dad’s cancer scare. So Lydia left him because she didn’t want to live with a drunk. So add making Tommy fall off the wagon to the long list of things we can blame on Papa R. Yep, Chazz Palminteri really, really pissed off the writers.
The next morning Maura is at Jane’s place. Guess they don’t always sleep over at the Isles Estates after all. But Jane is refusing Maura’s coffee. If the tuna turndown didn’t trip the big red alert siren in your head, turning down caffeine most definitely should. You in danger, gurl.
Jane also ground her teeth all night and couldn’t sleep. Maura says she knows, she couldn’t sleep either because of it. What? We all read that between the lines. Maura tells Jane not to think negative thoughts, because her body will experience things that aren’t happening. Remember that for later. Like much later. Like next season.
Frankie arrives because he is apparently the new Captain Crotchblock. Maura upholds her Hippocratic Oath and checks the lip she stitched up for him. But Frankie doesn’t understand the doctor-patient professional relationship and grabs her hand.
Jane walks in on his one-sided hand holding. Nothing like a big sister glare to make little brother shape up right quick. Frankie slinks out and Jane apologizes to Maura for Frankie’s misplaced affections. But just in case she makes sure Maura has no plans to see her sibling naked. Maura refuses to dignify the question with an answer.
Jane tells her to be careful, because even though she knows Maura is only interested in one Rizzoli, Frankie tends to fall for people hard. See, even though her brother is totally scamming on her girlfriend, Jane is looking out for him. Such a good big sister, that one. Even when the sibling in question doesn’t necessarily deserve it.
The detectives go off to investigate the case, because believe it or not they still have to investigate murders in between all the familial drama. Unfortunately they’ve been put on the “No Investigate” list by Homeland Security. It doesn’t help that Jane drops the bombshell that the victim might have been about to leak government secrets. Congratulations, you’ve just had your case taken over by the federal government. And don’t be surprised if you get audited, too.
Jane calls Maura immediately because that’s how Jane handles any crisis. She also knows the Feds will be coming for the victim’s body and tells Maura to start the autopsy. But Maura made a promise, so she can’t. Come on, Maura—it’s not like it was a pinky promise. Luckily, our good doctor finds a way around the restrictions just in time before the men in suits arrive.
The spooks also show up at the victim’s apartment and police headquarters to make a mess. They even take Jane and Korsak’s computers. Or so they think. Cavanaugh pulled a switcheroo. Don’t worry, I’m sure the NSA is too busy reading everyone’s SnapChats to notice. Still, Maura isn’t taking any chances when she shows Jane the illicit evidence she has collected.
Isn’t it cute when good girls try to be bad? They get so nervous. Maura breaking the law for Jane is the purest sign of love on this show. She made dental impressions of the victim’s mouth. And also palmed her retainer. Guess what? They don’t fit. So if she wasn’t wearing them, why did she pack them for her trip? Jane thinks she was framed to look like she was fleeing the country. Wow, all that from a retainer? Imagine if they had the whole body. They’d cure cancer.
Another pissing match ensues as Jane, Maura, the Senator, et al try to finally gain access to the victim’s apartment. The Homeland Security deputy tries to block them. Doesn’t he know three Queens always beats a single Jack(ass)?
Inside they find a homemade tattoo kit and a landline. But everyone knows the kids today don’t use landlines anymore. Or still deposit paper checks. More evidence! More twists! OMG, just solve it already. Also watching Korsak banter with Frankie about technology instead of Frost is wrong and will always be wrong.
All the evidence leads them to believe the victim was raped. And she was being threatened as a result of it. The tattoos (her fiancé has one, too—which makes perfect sense because who wouldn’t let their girlfriend tattoo them with a mysterious homemade, nonfunctioning QR code for no apparent reason) were an elaborate way to hide information about her rape, and the rapes of others, as well as her own murder. But who was behind it all? Her scumbag boss. Finally, case closed. Jane wants to celebrate, but she is too queasy. Don’t worry, in about 30 seconds we’ll all be queasy with you, Jane.
Maura arrives at Jane’s apartment afterward. Two nights in a row at Jane’s place? Is this some sort of record, Maura? Frankie is just leaving, and decides this is a perfect time to test out the stitches on his lip. So he plants a big, uninvited one on Maura. You know, I want to be pissed at Frankie. But mostly I’m just pissed at the writing. Like, where did this cocky, grabby jerk come from?
Well, at least Maura’s reaction to said kiss is priceless. Her face says it all: “Wait, wrong Rizzoli.”
Maura’s sense of decorum and politeness keeps her from slapping him. So instead she gives him a little headshake. Frankie sees it, apologizes and says he’ll leave before they have an “awkward conversation.” Yeah, well when you kiss your sister’s girlfriend, it’s bound to get awkward. So, let that be the end of it. I mean it. The. End.
Maura lets her self into Jane’s place, naturally, and immediately sees something is amiss. Jane is getting ready to mail back Col. Beard Force’s ring. Casey has decided he can’t stop being a soldier, and wants Jane to follow him from base to base as his wife. Ugh, this guy continues to be The Worst. Also, who backs out of an engagement promise via an email? Like I was saying, The Worst.
Jane tells Maura matter-of-factly that she isn’t going. She isn’t marrying him. She is mailing back the ring. Finally! The charade is over! Break out the real champagne flutes! Let’s buy a Subaru! Then she tells Maura, “I am not going to leave everything to follow him around the world…. I’d only do that for you.” But then Maura notices something in her hand. Yep, it’s what you think it is. And, yep, Jane thinks she is pregnant. And all the lesbians everywhere said, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”
Oh, Janet Tamaro. Why you gotta do us like this? Of all the crappy cliffhangers, this is by far the crappiest. But you know what? I refuse to be defeated by this. I refuse to back down. I know I said if Jane got pregnant I was O-U-T. But, believe it or not, I actually think this can be salvaged. But first, there needs to be a will to salvage it.
You see, the reason this show works is very, very simple. It’s not the mysteries. It’s not the plots. It’s definitely not the writing. It’s the camaraderie and chemistry between Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander on screen. Period, full stop. We watch because there are two strong, smart female characters working together who work well together. And, sad to say, that’s still too much of a rarity on TV.
I mean, are there really people watching at home saying, “I just want that nice Jane Rizzoli to find a fella, quit her job and start having kids?” I highly doubt it.
So here’s how we can still save this. If the writers insist on going through with Jane’s pregnancy (and that’s only if they insist—the phrase “pregnancy scare” has a nice ring to it), let her raise the child with Maura. I know, I know—my answer is always to have her do it with Maura. (More lesbian sex jokes! All week long, baby!) But, really, it just makes sense.
Those two will always be the heart of this show. Anything that pulls them apart—Casey, Frankie, Bella’s dad—makes this show weaker. But if a baby can bring them together, well, then I am all in for Rizzoli & Isles & A Baby. We all know it’s actually Maura’s anyway. What did they think would happen after all those years of unprotected eye sex?
Or, you know, Jan Nash could decide to make the whole season a terrible dream and have Jane wake up in bed next to Maura. And then they’ll laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. Jane marry a guy and have a baby? Please, stop. I’m dying over here.
Well, we made it through another season. Group hug, Rizzles girls. Group hug.
#GAYZZOLI TWEETS OF THE WEEK:
Oh, boy. Did you guys have some FEELINGS!
The JTam voodoo dolls are ready. #Gayzzoli
– Agathe Rigault (@MissColombine) March 19, 2014
I just got really sad, not because Jane is going to marry Casey but because they just mentioned Frost being on vacation. 🙁 #Gayzzoli
– Lady Liberty (@CindyLMarshall) March 19, 2014
Glad to see that we’re at the first commercial break and I’ve yet to solve the case. Progress, show. #Gayzzoli #Rizzles #RizzoliandIsles
– bleugrass (@bleugrass) March 19, 2014
You know it isn’t a good episode of #rizzoliandisles when the crime story is most intriguing and believable aspect. #continuity #gayzzoli
– Becky M (@Quigley20) March 19, 2014
Suzy!!!! Go cockblock Jane’s engagement #gayzzoli
– LittlestHobo (@Prettylittlejil) March 19, 2014
Poured wine with my 1 yr old niece in one arm. This episode has caused drastic measures. #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles
– mirettesvertes (@mirettesvertes) March 19, 2014
Maura stitch his entire mouth up, cos I can see where this is heading #Gayzzoli #RizzoliAndIsles
– Tippi McCullers (@ali_steventon) March 19, 2014
I literally just snapped and yelled “Frankie!” at my tv as if he was a drunk friend making a mistake because no. #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles
– Lauren Fevola (@texce11ent) March 19, 2014
Oh for crying out loud, just find the murderer and go snuggle already! #Gayzzoli
– Evil Regal Lovatic! (@ParrillaLovato) March 19, 2014
My cat keeps looking at me like “WTF is going on with these writers?” Or maybe its “When are you going to feed me?” Same diff #Gayzzoli
– Terri (@TLM327) March 19, 2014
Are we being punk’d #rizzoliandisles #gayzzoli
– Jessie (@DrkRaven0905) March 19, 2014
*collective groan of pain. rolls eyes. sets down laptop, flips table, sets fire to TV* #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles
– shallow-seas (@L_Ren_Iishi) March 19, 2014
Something is wrong in the Universe. Everyone is #glee positive & #rizzoliandisles negative. #iamscarred #gayzzoli #alternateuniverse
– Teejay Brazent (@Xeno_Eohl) March 19, 2014
So … next season is about Baby Rizzoli-Isles and her two amazing moms? #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles
– J Good (@LullabyHearts) March 19, 2014
Help us Jan Nash. You’re our only hope. #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles
– Tabatha (@DanceUponMyToes) March 19, 2014
