Previously on Rizzoli & Isles: Korsak almost got blown up. Jane wore a funny hat. And FBI Special Agent Monica Reyes is about to visit Boston.
Finally, Jane and Maura get a chance to visit Maine together before retiring there together like they’ve planned. Finally, we can have our gay Murder She Wrote reboot like we’ve always wanted. If only it didn’t involve a state trooper getting shot in the chest.
Still back in Boston, our ladies have decided to change their morning routine up. I guess walking the block between their current houses has gotten old. Gotta keep things fresh, you know. Jane is mainlining caffeine, which Maura of course notices. Granted, all that tossing and turning at night must be hard to miss. You see Jane isn’t sleeping because her Life Ruiner is out there, waiting to further ruin her life.
Maura attempts to process their current predicament. But Jane being Jane she can only offer up some monosyllabic rhyming words to describe her feelings. Hey, maybe Jane was a fan of The 100. Because “Mad. Bad. Sad.” is pretty much a perfect summation of their feelings.
Maura tries to push her girlfriend to explore her feelings more. But Jane can only add an “er” to the end of her previous feelings because she apparently played hooky on Lesbian Processing 101 day. Poor Maura, you know she has put countless Post-It notes on the pages in that chapter in The Big Lesbian Guidebook and keeps conspicuously placing it on Jane’s nightstand.
Back at the office, we learn a little more about Alice the Life Ruiner. She was in the slammer for being a drug dealer, which also conveniently gives her the cash to effectively fuck with Jane. The drug unit guy who arrested her said she was never on their radar, and they couldn’t find her drug ring. So she’s a wily drug dealer. But, contradictions abound, her dad was a highly decorated cop. Hm, I’m sensing a jealousy motive perhaps? I mean, how could you not feel a little envious when gazing upon Det. Jane Rizzoli?
The team tracks down Alice the Life Ruiner’s former cellmate, the same woman who got left behind earlier after an unseen person in the 70s muscle car shot the trooper in Maine. Guess we all know who that unseen person was now. So it’s off for a romantic jaunt for Jane and Maura—and also Korsak and Frankie. Hey, sometimes you can’t stop your friends from tagging along.
At the scene, Maura inspects the body, Jane broods with her Ponytail of Righteous Justice and Aviators of Sexy Justice on. In short, she means business—and justice. But the lead state trooper isn’t too pleased to see them—and possibly ladies—doing important man work. Jane loses her cool because no one questions Jane or her lady’s abilities and/or authority. She reminds the trooper that this person targeted her “and my family.” So, in case there was any lingering doubt, Maura is totally family.
As she sees Jane blow her top, Maura steps in to tell the trooper of her own abduction. It seems to work, maybe because Maura is wearing a skirt and heels. Jane whispers thanks to her lady, because even she knows sometimes it is just more time effective to play into people’s existing gender stereotypes to get shit done.
The search dogs pick up the Life Ruiner’s cellmate’s scent in the woods, so it’s time for Jane to strap back on her bulletproof tank top. Can we take a moment here to discuss how in no way, shape or form would Jane, Maura or even Jane’s brother be allowed to work on this case? Remember just three episodes ago when Korsak was all, “You can’t. It’ll jeopardize, conflict of interest, blah blah blah?” LOL, JK I guess.
Korsak, the one police officer without a direct conflict of interest in this case, is naturally back in Boston and interviewing the Life Ruiner’s father. He was a highly awarded cop, but a lousy father. Growing up Alice was “perfect,” the valedictorian and captain of her softball team. So what they’re saying is she was gay—super gay. But then she quit the academy suddenly.
They start the search, and there’s a dog bark and a bang. No. NO. They did not just Old Yeller a police dog, did they? Alas, yes, Wendy the Cellmate shot and killed the pup, which means I hates her, I hates her forever. Jane, too, because you know she still has residual guilt about giving up Jo Friday.
At the Dirty Robber, plans are underway for Korsak’s wedding. Oh, did I mention it’s also Korsak’s wedding day? Yeah, it is, but you’d never know since he and everyone else hasn’t bothered to take the day off. Such a romantic, that guy. Mama Rizzoli is there with Ron, giving him a heart attack about wanting to get married. And then they laugh and laugh because aren’t stereotypically male commitment fears hilarious?
Since we’ve touched on the topic of gender norms, Kiki’s sister Mimi is your classic bridesmaid. She is chasing Kiki around with a veil trying to make her wear it for the wedding. Just another episode of Say Yes to the Rizzoli.
Korsak finally arrives at his own wedding, late. Also, is he just going to wear one of his regular old everyday detective suits? To make matters worse, he tells Kiki they are going to have to delay things some more because Jane isn’t there yet. Oh, have we mentioned Jane has been ambushed by her Life Ruiner’s accomplice while still up in the woods of Maine? Everyone grab a comfortable seat, this is gonna take a while.
Wendy the Cellmate indeed gets the drop on Jane and makes her drop her gun. She also notes that Jane is taller than she expected. I can only assume the long-legged, raven-haired detective was the topic of many a late-night conversation—and dream—in that jail cell.
Jane starts talking about how Life Ruiner Alice left Cellmate Wendy high and dry. But Wendy isn’t having any of it because she loves Alice. Hold up, hold up, wait. Yep, you guessed it, we’ve got lesbian villains.
Jane, knowing lesbian insecurities intimately, goes right for the fact that Alice also slept with a man, the psychiatrist/kidnapper. Wendy said that was just sex, which for a man is everything. But with her, it’s different because they are in love. Oh, sweetie.
Jane recognizes lovesick gay lady syndrome immediately and turns to face her. She walks up right against her pistol butt and tells poor Wendy that this probably isn’t an Orange Is the New Black love connection. Wendy realizes she is neither Piper or Alex. Nor Poussey and Soso. Or Crazy Eyes and Maureen. Heck, not even Big Boo and the screwdriver.
Well, at least she had her epiphany before she turned into Tricia.
Jane calls in her apologies for not being at the wedding. But it’s all good because Mimi—my new favorite character—is making everyone free cocktails. It’s not like everyone else is there, either. Nina is still in the office, Maura is in the lab, and Kent is reading Archie comics.
I love how annoyed Maura is by Kent. It’s like she, too, can’t believe this is the doofus they choose to replace the incomparable Sen. Criminologist Susie Chang. Can we just give him a big pile of Archie comics and let him read them in a corner all next season?
Jane goes back to Wendy to poke at her about her Lesbian Until Release Date girlfriend. She remains convinced that Alice loved her; in fact, Alice only loved her and her son. So now we know the Life Ruiner has a little Life Ruiner Jr.
Of course, now it’s way too late for Korsak’s wedding. Hey, no biggie, it’s just one of the most important days of a person’s life that brings friends and family from all over together in a special celebration to commemorate your love. That’s easy and not emotionally devastating to postpone, right? Yeah, better keep them drinks coming for Kiki.
Everyone’s now back in Boston, but Alice the possible lesbian, definitely life ruiner, is now in Canada. She crossed the border as Wendy. Hey, not to criticize your police work—but shouldn’t Wendy’s passport have been flagged, too? Just a suggestion. Korsak says not to worry; the Mounties will get her. Hey, don’t knock Canada. They’ve got health care and a great new progressive leader. It’s like everything America is running away from this election season.
It’s the next day, and Smug Kent is still reading Archie comics much to Maura’s continued annoyance. He calls them a great primer for relationships. OK, now his social ineptitude is starting to make sense. Everything he knows about girls, he learned from comic books. Though at least he accurately identifies Maura as the Betty and Jane as the Veronica. Jane, even more accurately, identifies him as Jughead.
Maura has created a psychological profile of Alice based on the files her father gave them. She was driven, smart and ambitious. And she was on top of everything until she ran into an even more driven, smarter and more ambitious buzzsaw called Jane Rizzoli.
So as a narcissistic high-achiever she blamed Jane when things went wrong. And because of that, she won’t stop coming after her. Also, have you looked at Jane Rizzoli? She’s kind of hot, so there’s also that. Maura runs after her girlfriend with concern, and also maybe a little because she’s hot.
Jane runs into Korsak and remembers it’s time to change for the once-postponed wedding. She needn’t bother because it is now a twice-postponed wedding. Korsak has sent Kiki home because that’s romantic. Actually, it is because they tracked down Alice’s unofficially adopted son. He attends BCU, which is awfully convenient.
So they track him down, he runs, Korsak totters after him, and Jane stares on with exasperation. Good thing Frankie is there to do the tackling. In the interrogation room, he tells them Alice was a great person who took him in off the streets and was a legitimate businesswoman. He claims she was framed by cops.
So now they’re puzzled. Why would she do right by this kid only to do very wrong by Jane Rizzoli? Not to be too Seinfeld about it, but what is the deal with this woman? We still don’t know, but the Mounties do know they spotted her at a warehouse district in Quebec City. So they’re surrounding her and about to go in. Thanks, Canada, time for a Big Gazzoli Wedding, eh?
Korsak’s wedding, on the other hand, seems a tad tenuous. Kiki has given him the “We have to talk” call. Jane and Maura arrive at the Dirty Robber where they both agree they want Jane to stay in one piece. Look, no one is being particularly romantic this episode. That’s as close to “I love you” as we’ll probably get.
They also all agree that Jane can be a little intimidating. Jane pretends she doesn’t mean to be intimidating, but we’ve all seen the mane and heard the voice. You’re not fooling anyone, detective.
Kiki and Korsak finish their serious talk and decide to get married now—well in 20 minutes with the few straggler guests who seemingly never left the bar and Mimi the drunk sister. And they say romance is dead. On the plus side, I kind of want an entire spin-off show about Mimi. Who do I need to talk to to make this happen?
Jane and Maura run off to get changed. Actually, it seems all the ladies of the BPD have tucked their fancy wear away in drawers and evidence lockers throughout the office. Nina has her wedding hat which, if we’re being perfectly honest, is absolutely adorable. Hey, I’m talking to the police, I can’t lie.
But then there’s some weirdness between her and Frankie because he is inviting Nicole, who I assume is the art student from the stakeout. Nina acts weird. Frankie acts weird. I can’t decide if this is good or bad news for Froliday shippers. What, you have your portmanteau, and I have mine.
While the gang gets ready to start the wedding in Boston, we see a van from one of Alice’s “legitimate” businesses leave what I’m assuming is Quebec City. I mapped it. It’s six hours and 21 minutes from Quebec City to Boston according to Google. So, I guess what I’m saying is, get ready for the longest quickie wedding in history.
Before the ceremony starts, Jane implores everyone to turn off their cell phones. Hey, I get the sentiment. But perhaps when the homicidal ex-con hell-bent on ruining your life who has also kidnapped your wife and killed a state trooper is still at large, maybe keep it on vibrate, OK?
Speaking of things that vibrate, or perhaps jiggle, can we discuss Jane’s décolletage in that dress? Holy Boobs O’Clock, am I recapping the wrong show? Like, I had hoped Jane would wear a nicely tailored tux to the wedding as best man. But now I’m having a hard time concentrating with those two orbs sucking me into their gravitational pull.
I think Korsak might have been sucked into their orbit, too because he scraps his two-pages of vows to keep his comments one-sentence short. Again with the romance and this guy. But at least they finally make it official. And now it’s time to dance.
Jane is nervously sitting next to Maura hoping she both won’t and will ask her to dance. Then Jughead rushes in, having missed the whole wedding while ironing his kilt. Jane reacts as she always reacts to male attention, derision mixed with scorn. So Kent swings his kilt elsewhere.
Of course this means Jane catches an eyeful of his under-kilt commando shenanigans. Her face is all lesbian faces when confronted with unwanted male genitalia. Horror, regret, anger and the sudden need to flee. Which is exactly what she makes Maura do as they move across the room.
While all of this is happening Alice is crossing back over the Canadian border while hiding in a box in one of her shell corporation vans. Again, not to tell the BPD how to do its business, but shouldn’t it have placed a stop on all of Alice’s corporate transportations when they discovered them?
We’ve now reached the point of the wedding when Korsak shows off Bruce McGill’s guitar skills. Jane looks on dreamily, but perhaps that is because she is surrounded by two of her favorite things in the world—Maura and a plate full of fried chicken.
So now it’s time to dance. Frankie dances (and kisses) Nicole. Mama R dances with big-footed Ron. And Maura dances on up to her lady. Jane, of course, feigns resistance. But who on this great green Earth could resist the irresistible dorky dancing of one Dr. Maura Isles. No one, no one I say.
And Jane, despite her protestations, cannot either. I mean, look at Maura.
Look. At. Her.
Of course Kilty Kent pounces in on them and makes it an extremely unwelcome threesome. Just like a dude, always dancing up on two ladies who in no way shape or form want a dude to be dancing with them. Jane, of course, handles it in true gay lady fashion.
But while Jane made a textbook dance floor escape, her luck appears to be running out. Alice’s lumber van pulls up near the Dirty Robber. I still can’t decide if that means the driver is in on it or not. But what has already been definitively decided is that Maura has picked out Jane’s dress for their wedding. Yes, I know she is pretending it’s a “bridesmaids” dress. But there are a lot of unfamiliar people around, so code words, duh.
She has selected a strapless midnight blue dress for Jane. Hey, they’ve been together for over six years at this point. They wouldn’t be fooling anyone by wearing white. Maura knows it’s a great color on her skin-tone because that’s the color of the new bed sheets she just bought. But Jane is pretty insistent with the amount of drinking and, um, bouncing around she plans on doing that night it isn’t going to work. Geez, Jane, save some for the honeymoon suite.
But now it’s all over but the best man’s toast and Scottish bagpipes and inevitable cliffhanger. Jane says something about not being an expert on love. Well, dear, that comes from living your life without sharing your truth with the world. Come out and be free, lady. But she pulls it together enough to wish them the best.
So finally, this marathon quickie wedding is over. The bride and groom prepare to leave with the traditional shower of rice as they head out. But, wait, what’s that little red laser sight? Jane realizes it’s a gun, and we fade to black as a shot rings out. Since we’ve already shot Jane, twice, and put Maura’s life in peril countless times—and also the little thing about their names being in the title—I’m going to hazard a very educated guess that it won’t be them. Anyone else? Who knows. Though, if it winged Kent, I wouldn’t exactly be sad.
And now, for your extra-long (because I brain farted and forgot them last week) season finale #gayzzoli tweets. Thanks for playing along, and see you back here this summer, friends.
– Leila C (@lutzklutz) March 16, 2016“Strong feelings. Care to explore them.?” That sounded very gay. Jane, Maura wants you to come out honey. #gayzzoli
– GAYZZOLI (@GayzzoliForever) March 16, 2016
Jane and Maura are going to Maine together? Awesome. #gayzzoli
– Caitlin Block (@IdentityTokens) March 16, 2016
The shades AND ponytail of Righteous justice together. Sweet Baby Jesus. #Rizzles #RizzoliandIsles #Gayzzoli
– Bethany Danielle (@TnDani) March 16, 2016
Omg you did not just kill a dog!!!! #RizzoliAndIsles #Gayzzoli
– Marie (@expert542) March 16, 2016
When Jane told that trooper that Alice was after her and her family. End of sentence. And yes, that includes Maura. #gayzzoli
– kbenchilada (@kabensi) March 16, 2016
Captain of the softball team? Grrrl, this is a gay on gay crime. The one time Jane talked to her was probs to turn her down #gayzzoli
– Una Marble (@unamarble) March 16, 2016
Ah, murder lesbians. Obviously this was shot a while ago, but perhaps this is not a good time for this, #RizzoliandIsles. #gayzzoli
– Kristen (@hachiemachie) March 16, 2016
Looks like we’ve got gay ladies, just the wrong ones #gayzzoli #rizzoliandisles
– Avenger280 (@ChuChu353) March 16, 2016
Maura doesn’t understand Archie comics. It’s all dating and flirting and straight people. #gayzzoli
– Christin (@christinc1) March 16, 2016
#gayzzoli A moment to appreciate that Archie just proved a theory..Betty and Veronica belonged together… Archie should have chose Jughead
– Jonta Davis (@jonidavell) March 16, 2016
Maura telling Jane what she’s wearing at their wedding. Just saying. #Gayzzoli #Rizzles
– Tex Bard (@Texbard) March 16, 2016
#gayzzoli wanted Jane in a tux but that dress looks great too
– I’m an Evil Panda (@SwanQueenRegina) March 16, 2016
Holy boobs batman! Damn Jane! #gayzzoli
– Megan O (@BeckettFan) March 16, 2016
Kiki’s vows remind me of the section of Maura’s poem about Jane. They say basically the same thing. #gayzzoli
– Kim (@sculderhartter) March 16, 2016
Kent just ruined everything.. #gayzzoli #RizzoliandIsles
– MusicManiac (@MusicManiac1993) March 16, 2016
No offense to the actor who plays him, but I hope Kent just got fucking shot in the fucking kilt. #gayzzoli
– Ellie Dee (@EllieDee81) March 16, 2016
Not the #gayzzoli wedding I wanted. But close enough.
– Melvistica (@NoTasselElvis) March 16, 2016
