Married women sleeping with lesbians is a painful bruise, an ongoing traumatic memory, in our community. It’s too often we’re used by women who’d prefer to be seen as straight, who want the security of heterosexual marriage, only to see us as some sexual outlet for their kinky desires. Like traditional, homophobic takes, we’re viewed as a kink, as sexual deviants who don’t want or need meaningful, respectful, even life-long love.
In such situations, it feels like we exist to carry the burden of other women’s internalized homophobia. We have to be compassionate. We have to cop it on the chin out of feminist-lite solidarity. What we need or deserve too often comes second to the safety or whims of male-partnered women. Where’s the solidarity with us?
It’s not often this type of behavior from male-partnered women can’t be read or felt as homophobia. Despite being directed by a man, Carol (2015) is a film where it’s okay… perhaps because it was based on the novel The Price of Salt (1952) by lesbian Patricia Highsmith. A 1950s housewife is trapped in a heterosexual marriage that’s devoid of love and passion. She’s a lesbian figuring out how to live as one in such suppressive, homophobic times, and she has her young daughter to consider.
When I heard Miranda could be a lesbian on Sex and the City’s reboot And Just Like That I was immediately angry about it. I had an idea, about six months ago, to write an article like I did on Janis Ian in Mean Girls, about how Miranda should have been a lesbian in SATC. I didn’t because I thought, “perhaps it’s just Cynthia Nixon’s gay overflowing into her character, don’t read too much into it.”
There also wasn’t a whole heap of clues or gay-baiting in SATC, unlike Mean Girls. And then there’s the whole, “straight women can be tough without being lesbian!” argument we hear when we percieve strong female characters as anything other than heterosexual *eye roll*
Another reason I was angry was because of the male husband thing. Like with many lesbians, it hit a nerve. The first few episodes weren’t giving me much hope either. I didn’t like how the rainbow community was portrayed in episode 3, at the gay venue where Che did a gig. The community looked like a zoo–which it unfortunately can be–that Miranda was merely safariing. I’m not into het-partnered women on a temporary expedition, like those who trawl Tinder for a third.
I don’t particularly care for how Che, Miranda’s “love” interest, is such an “anything goes” party animal. It’s an annoying trope that borderline makes fun of our community’s addiction issues. The show has also, thus far, treated the LGB like we are all sexually fluid and it’s so “fun.” The focus on “you can change if you want to!” lends itself to “homosexuality is a choice.” The podcast is super cringe and I don’t appreciate Carrie’s boundaries being crossed for a juicy secret.
However. And this is a big however, a happy however, a “my prediction that Miranda was going to use women while remaining committed to her heterosexual marriage is not entirely correct,” however. I’ve never been so glad to be half-wrong. Miranda’s coming out story is heating up and I don’t think she’ll be partaking in sneaky, kinky, temporary flings without mass personal change, courage, and respect for her newfound community.
Yes, Miranda and Che slept together in episode 5. Yes, Miranda is still married. Yes, I thought that was going to irk me. But, like in Carol (2015), I was rooting for the married woman. Let me tell you why.
Firstly, Che is essentially polyamorous. Che is liberal with sexual partners, does things for a good time, and is not going to be hurt – emotionally – by the unplanned rendezvous. Che’s also not a lesbian, so the casual experience with Miranda isn’t going to bring up the pain of being used by women who want to be viewed as straight by remaining in het-partnerships, when you don’t have that option. Che does.
Secondly, Miranda admitted to Carrie, who she was supposed to be helping post-surgery while she was having sex, that she’s unhappy and she has been forever. She wants a divorce. She has never felt the way she did with Che with any man. The cat’s out of the bag. She’s not hiding.
Thirdly, I don’t think things will work out with Che in a way that’s compatible with who Miranda is. Miranda will eventually seek a long term partnership, or will remain single. Che is Miranda’s epiphany, but they’re not compatible long term. It’s not love. Again, she’s not hurting the feelings of someone in love with her. Her and her husband are essentially co-parenting housemates, too.
Miranda might be realizing she’s a lesbian, or bisexual (although she said she’s never felt much with a man), but she’s still Miranda. She’s naturally fairly conservative and structured, despite her current rebellion while figuring everything out. She couldn’t understand why Che was still leaving to do a gig straight after they slept together, for crying out loud. I get her. Stability isn’t a bad desire.
I didn’t think I’d be okay with Miranda sleeping with women while remaining married but this was spur of the moment. It wasn’t planned. She’s not visibly afraid of what people will think of her for liking women, if anything, she’s excited by the prospect of finding herself in the rainbow community. The life she’s living now is compatible with out-lesbianism, it’s just the marriage she’s got to give the flick.
I will be upset, however, if she doesn’t do something about her marriage before she continues exploring her sexual orientation. I don’t care for the husband really, it’s more about values and principles. If she’s actually respectful of her newfound community then she’d make the appropriate moves to belong to it on the surface, not just behind locked doors for a sneaky rendezvous, only to go home to a husband.
