Ah, internalized homophobia: “The gay person’s direction of negative social attitudes towards the self,” according to this study by David Frost and Illan Meyer. Or, in more simple terms, internalized homophobia is the act of being homophobic towards ourselves. This article will be triggering for many lesbian and gay people so tread with caution.
What does internalized homophobia look like? Well, it manifests differently in all of us – and to varying degrees. Some gay and lesbian people have such high internalized homophobia that they force themselves to sleep with the opposite sex, attempting to “correct” themselves. Some delude themselves into thinking if they reject being gay then it simply doesn’t exist. Naturally, this often leads to depression, anxiety and even suicide.
For the bulk of us, it’s subconscious and not quite as drastic. Sometimes internalized homophobia and fear of other people’s homophobia towards us are indistinguishable. For example, when we refuse to hold our partner’s hand down the street, is that internalized homophobia or the fear of being hurt? Regardless of how comfortable we are with being gay or lesbian, we are forced to edit our actions to fit in to this homophobic society and be safe.
To answer the question of “how to overcome internalized homophobia,” the first thing I want to stress is this: don’t treat it as something to “overcome.” Treat it as something to manage. The ability to empathize with ourselves enough to say “I feel this way about myself because society is homophobic” allows you to seperate truth from harmful social constructs. Gay people are not objectively wrong. You were taught to hate yourself. Get mad, not sad.
What about the lesbian or bisexual women you love?
When you’re getting in your head about being a lesbian, rationalize it. Firstly, think of your lesbian/bisexual friends, family members, or favorite celebrities. How do you feel about them? Do you wish they were straight? How would you speak to them if they asked you for advice on self-hatred?
What about the way men treat women?
I avoided a lot of internalized homophobia by identifying as a feminist – putting a label on the feminism I always lived my life by – around the time I came out. I think about all the screwed up, misogynistic things men do to women and thank my lucky stars I’m a lesbian.
Yes, lesbians are still at risk of misogynsitic abuse. But not being able to fall in love with a man means I won’t keep going back to one. I won’t have that emotional connection where I can rationalize their abuse or misogyny. If you think homosexuality is gross or unnatural then why not consider the things men do to women for a hot second. That is disgusting. If that’s “natural” then I want to be “sick.”
What about homosexuality existing in so many other animal species?
I know we’re living in a world that would rather us see ourselves as cyborgs than animals – so we can overpower nature and work ourselves beyond animal limits for capitalism – but the reality is we are just animals. Animals are gay as shit. Female humpback whales couple up. Male grey whales have orgies. Penguins can be gay. I mean… it’s not that deep. Homophobia isn’t natural.
Build a community
Easier said than done, I know. The pandemic makes it worse. There are many online avenues to finding community, if real life is impossible or too scary, but it takes work. Sometimes these online communities eventually meet up, depending on location, too. I suggest starting with Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook groups. It takes a while to make friends but searching for them is imperative. Stay safe, too. Remember homophobes will infiltrate, so don’t be too generous with personal information immediately.
When it comes to real life, there are a few options. Go to pride. Put yourself out of your comfort zone and set the goal to make a friend there. Go to gay bars. If you’re not into that scene then find a lesbian/bisexual book club. Most are going to be LGBT, I know. But it’s better than nothing. Once you make friends you can start your own book clubs (online friends are good for this).
Visit womyn’s lands. Go on forums. Chat in comment sections on lesbian celebs/topics. Visit lesbian art shows. Follow lesbian artists in your area on Instagram and keep an eye out on IRL shows, especially opening and closing nights. Voila! Lesbians galore!
Surrounding yourself with other lesbian and gay people nurtures the love you can have for yourself. It normalizes it. Just like the importance of fighting for gay and lesbian people to be represented in the media, you need to expose yourself to other gay and lesbian people IRL, in order to desensitize yourself to who you are.
Turn your rage into action! Don’t submit!
Once you get to the inevitable point of rage – when you reach the root of internalized homophobia and rightfully return that anger to the society who mistreats you for something that IS NOT wrong – then fight! The best remedy to combat internalized (and externalized) homophobia I – and many other people – have found is fighting for the gay and lesbian community. When loving yourself is difficult, defending your community can stand in. It’s actually therapeutic.
Internalized homophobia is inherently connected to heterosexuality being default under patriarchy and the homophobia that leads to. That’s why it’s easier said than done to “get over” it. If you’re unwilling to hold your partner’s hand in public but you have no qualms about being intimate (in whatever way that feels comfortable to you) in private, then chances are it’s less about the way you, personally, feel about homosexuality, and more about the very real fear you’ll be harmed for being gay. Don’t feel like you have to put yourself in danger in order to have pride. Be mindful about where your actions are coming from and give yourself a break.
